The Worst Game Ever

You want to know the worst, most destructive game ever? The comparison game. I hate this game, yet I find myself playing it all the time. I can't speak for men, but I would say that this game is predominantly played between women.

For some reason this theme of "comparing," or better, the damage comparing does, has been popping up in my life particularly the last few weeks, making me painfully aware of how often I play that game. Being honest, I'll admit that this is an area in my life where I need to be in check. It serves no purpose and only takes me away from the joys and gifts that I know I have been given.

 Anything can be compared. Motherhood, kids, husbands, friendships, creativity, homes, cars, weight, looks, status, intelligence, skills, anything. We manipulate the truth in our head to make the outcome favorable to us. That's pride. Or the comparing makes us feel so inadequate, like we can't live up to what we're seeing, that we end up feeling insignificant and invaluable.

What am I trying to live up to anyway? Is it a real expectation that all people are supposed to live by, or some unspoken standard or "place" you should be at, by a certain time in your life? What is "normal" anyway? All of these questions run through my head when I sit and evaluate myself. My answer is this...

There is no standard or "norm." It's me creating the expectation, that I then don't live up to, caused by my insecurity in whatever situation I'm in at the time of comparing, in an attempt to make sense of  my life or circumstance. It's selfishness, pride, insecurity, and it's a joy-sucker.

In truth, it's all relative. We all have a story, we all have different circumstances, we all have different ambitions, we all have different personalities, we all have different strengths and weakness, we were all created uniquely. "Comparing is thief of joy" and robs me of the beauty in my life and keeps me from being content with exactly who and where I am. Living up to standards are already a challenge for anyone, and that's why there is grace. If Jesus can offer us grace, then hopefully we can offer that others. And in this particular situation, ourselves, by not comparing, and focusing on truth.

I love this verse. Philippians 4:8-9

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

What a simple, yet profound answer to the struggle with contentment. Will I be able to live in that grace and contentment everyday? Probably not. After all, I am imperfect and a constant work in progress. Will I ever be able to get to a place where I never compare? Probably not. But, it's about being aware of it in my life and finding strength and freedom in who and what I'm created to be and standing in what is true.

See, I am never going "win" at this game. There are only two options, and both are awful. I can either compare myself to someone else to make me feel better, birthing pride and arrogance, or I can spend time beating myself up and feeling less than, invaluable, and insecure. They are both destructive and add nothing beneficial to my life.

I bring this whole thing up, not only because it's relevant in my life, but because it's relevant in many lives of people I care about, so I thought it might be relevant to anyone reading this. I have been, and probably will be again at some point, on each side of the comparison game. Neither are healthy, and I want the wholeness and peace that comes from health. Ironically enough, it seems the more grounded I become, the less there is to compare to. Becoming grounded is a process, it will be life long, but it's about the willingness to be self-aware and "tuned up." Each step I take that makes me understand who I am, the more I realize I don't want to be anyone else, anywhere else. That's a nice place to be, even if only for a moment. Maybe as I grow and learn more, those moments will become longer.

Here's to being content and joyful exactly where you are.

Until

A few new thoughts from the book that's kicking my butt...

The story of the lost coin
The story of the lost sheep
The story of the prodigal son

In all of the stories, the lost item or person was relentless searched for until  it was found. They weren't given up on or considered out of the love of God. Whether these stories are literal or metaphorical, I think there is merit to looking at what is being communicated in these stories. My take (thanks to "Love Wins" and the Scripture it presents): God does not want anything or anyone to perish, and is all about restoring what's been broken. These stories, and the entire message of the bible in my mind, is God telling us that he wants us. Every single one of us. He desires no one to be apart from Him for eternity. SO, here are the big questions...

What/Who says that God can't pursue people's hearts even after our physical death?

What if the "hell" that we're talking about is really a place of refinement, but not permanent if the person doesn't want it to be? What if it's until your heart is "melted" because of God's love for you? A time where you live with the realities of your decisions, and a time to see what existence is like without the beauty and grace that we are offered through Christ?

What if the idea of "eternal damnation" isn't really God's judgment, but the choice of the individual? A heart condition?

What if God's judgment, is Him saying "If you are going to dwell in my wholeness and fullness, you will not bring sin and suffering inside." "You are welcome here, but not until you can live in that grace."

In the last part of Revelation there is a vision of a city, supposedly representative of heaven, where the gates are always open... What if that means that newcomers are always welcome as they decide to embrace God's love, and have a deep heart condition change? (Rob Bell said in his book, not to dwell on that gate too much because you can go crazy with analysis, and I agree, but I think it's interesting to at least ponder)

What if choosing to believe in Jesus in this time, saves us from even worrying about any self-inflicted torment- hell- and the message of Christ isn't "believe or be damned," but "believe and embrace the fullness life and God's love?" Wouldn't that change the way that we share the Gospel and live our lives?

AND, Who says that the way we've been taught about heaven and hell, and the absolute permanence of hell, is actually what it is? Is God's love not deep enough and vast enough to keep pursuing relentlessly even after death?

See, Rob Bell makes a great point in his book, that I think I am really starting to embrace. Here it is (not quite verbatim, but close)... "If the message of Jesus is that He is saving us from God's wrath, how is that 'good news'?" A brilliant question. How is that "good news? Isn't that just fear, instead of fullness?  What if the "good news" is that Jesus' sacrifice is deeply sacred and meaningful no matter if it's now, or in the next life,  and that sacrifice was to bring us the fullness of God's love.... and God/Jesus will pursue us until no one will perish?

The lost coin was found.

The lost sheep was found.

The prodigal was anticipated and hoped for until he returned.

The gate is always open.

Maybe God didn't create billions of people that will spend forever without him, unless it's what they want. What they choose. Maybe God searches, hopes, and pursues our hearts until they are found. And maybe what we view as time, doesn't matter to God's pursuit. Maybe He's a whole lot bigger than we've made Him. Maybe he goes after our hearts until we're all found, whether now or then.

I realize this perspective challenges tradition. I want to put out the disclaimer, that I am searching, and asking questions, and I'm not claiming definitive answers at all. But for me, asking these questions is liberating and helping me view this life and eternity with more beauty, hope, and love. I'm about the journey, the twists and turns that come along with that journey, and the learning who I am and who God is along the way.

Peeking Around the Corner

This is a long post, BUT, it's one of my favorites so far! Just to throw that out there :)

There are two stick figures happily going about their business on the 4 sided, 8"x 11" piece of notebook paper. They can go up and down, and right and left. One day they realized they had reached all of the corners, traveled on every inch of the paper, and had gone as far as they could go. One stick figure said to the other, "Well, we've been everywhere there is. There is nothing more, this is all there is to know and see." Little do they know that paper they live on is sitting on top of a desk, in a classroom, in a school, in a town, in a state, in a country, in a world, in a solar system, in a universe, that they don't know much about. It seems a little silly they would conclude there is nothing else to be explored since they had reached all 4 corners of their paper (I can't claim full credit for that analogy. I adapted it a little).


We are no different. We are bound within certain limits. We can only explore, see, and understand to a certain degree. To say we have everything figured out, would be just as silly as those stick figures claiming they've seen and done it all. But, of course, there's so much more. It's terrifying to think about, because it doesn't fit onto our "paper," but it has to be obvious that there is far more than what we see and understand, and that we are limited to our 8"x 11" space, if you will. Making everything we learn and explore fit into our paper is silly, because there are just some things that are bigger than our four corners.


Sometimes though, if we are open to it, and have the courage, we can go to the edge of the paper and peek around the corner and get a glimpse of the vastness we know exists, but haven't been able to touch before. And though we can't go off the edge yet, we can get as close as possible, and start to smell the taste of freedom, creativity, fullness, and wholeness. Admitting that there is so much more, and then living in a way that encompasses the eternal now is bold, scary, and filled with things that don't fit into 8"x 11" paper. But, we really can live that way now, in this moment, in this time, if we want, but it requires a dimension and paradigm shift, and that is terrifying.  But, I have to believe that it is also filled with depth, meaning, and the kind of richness we thought we could only dream of.


I feel like I am peeking around a corner. And what a beautiful view I see. 

SO, in that spirit, here's where I'm at today! I'm about 75 pages into "Love Wins," and I have to say that it has really challenged my thinking about heaven and hell. Obviously, I can't speak for the entire book yet, but the first 3 chapters that I have read have been very thought provoking. I will spare you all the details right now, since I don't have the full picture of the book yet, but there was an interesting thought I had that was spurred by something discussed in the book. Here is my question...

What if hell isn't a specific place? What if it a state of being or existence? What if it is a condition of the heart as opposed to flames and heat? What if it is experienced on an individual basis, stemming from our individual issues- pride, greed, etc? 

There is a story in Luke that talks about a rich man ignoring Lazarus, a beggar, who was standing outside his home, pleading for food. The rich man did not help him...ever. Fast forward, Lazarus is in heaven with Abraham, and the rich man is not. The rich man is in Hades. The rich man is dead, but hasn't really died yet- what? I know!-because he is still able to communicate with Abraham and does so by asking him for water. He is still asking to be served. Which begs the question, what is being communicated in this story?  Here is what Rob Bell says, in speaking of the rich man:

"He's alive in death, but in profound torment, because he's living with the realities of not properly dying the kind of death that actually leads a person into the only kind of life that's worth living."  

Un-be-liev-a-ble. That sentence stopped me in my tracks. It was a good thing the following sentence said verbatim, "A pause, to recover from that last sentence," because I paused anyway and was so discombobulated- in a good way. This rich man is in Hades, still alive, still communicating, and still exuding the same characteristics as he did on earth. He is in extreme torment, though, because of his attitude of pride,a greed and arrogance, which is clearly not how we were ever created to live, hence the tormented reality of his choices. Loving and caring for your neighbor seems central to the message of this story about eternal "placement," if you will, and that that matters far more deeply than we can even imagine. If the implications of loving, or not loving your neighbor are eternal, how does that not rock your world? How does that not make you question and contemplate how you are walking through life, and the attitudes and conditions that you are carrying with you?! Questions I asked myself after reading this section...

1) Is the answer to everything we could do or say, whittled down to "how can I love my neighbor right now?

2) Even though we physically die, does our consciousness, character, attitude, and conditions of our heart, remain, as "the age to come" begins?

I would say from this book, from the Scripture that is being talked about, and from my own conclusions, that the answer to both of those questions is, yes. We are given a terribly large amount of freedom to act, and live the way we want, and God will give us exactly what we have asked for in our entrance into eternity. Wow! If our eternal state of being is who we are, and are becoming now, I want to be constantly growing, learning, changing, and self aware. 

With these ideas, it doesn't really matter "where" hell is. It's completely irrelevant. Hell could be a state of consciousness or tormented existence, which place has no barring on. My mind is completely blown away by this concept of consciousness in hell. That hell could be this deep awareness, of the torment that you have chosen for yourself. Awareness that you have not died the kind of death that gives you the life that we are created and made for. Death of self. Living for loving. This concept is so world-rocking, that it makes me re-evaluate how I am living my life, how the condition of my heart is, and what sort of attitudes I want to keep or get rid of because they will be a part of the "age to come," as said in the book. 

And the most radical question of all? If there is a state of awareness and consciousness in the "age to come," will there be other chances for people to experience God's love, other than JUST the short years we live on this earth? Crazy to think about, right? These are big questions, I know, but I'm really enjoying pondering them, and pondering the vastness and depth of God's love. 

I have a feeling his love is a whole lot bigger than our minds have even begun to grasp. Incredible. Wanna peek over the edge a little with me?!

Who Interprets Scripture?

I had a thought about Scripture. It's something that I have been thinking about for quite some time, but has been revisited in my mind because of the continued controversy over Rob Bell's new book, "Love Wins," and his, supposed "unbiblical" questions and ideas about what the bible is saying about heaven and hell. My signed copy, woo hoo, of the book is making it's way to me, thanks to my dear friend, and I can't wait to get started reading it. In the meantime I have been watching lots of interviews with Rob Bell, and getting as much information as I can about what is going on and what he's saying. In all the research I am doing, I stand by the fact that I do not believe he is in any way claiming absolute truth, that he is twisting verses to make them say what he wants, or that he has found THE answer to everything about heaven and hell. He is doing what we all should be doing...talking about what matters. Here is what I think about interpreting Scripture in light of his controversial interpretation.

The question... Who interprets Scripture? There's not this one person alive today that has every verse's exact meaning figured out. No one who is alive today, wrote the bible. No one even personally knows someone who did. Therefore, I would submit that the meaning of the words in the bible are subject to our interpretation. Our best, most intelligent, most wise, most well-informed and studied, interpretation. I am not saying that you can take words and twist them to mean whatever you want, and I absolutely do not think that's what Rob Bell is doing, but what I am saying is that I think, just like anything else in this world, we analyze meaning of things through our own experiences and perspective, and I don't believe interpreting Scripture is any different. I would say it takes deep consideration, prayer, studying, and talking, to work through whatever position you find yourself holding about a certain Scripture. In my mind, you have the right, capability, and freedom to put the pieces together as they make sense to you, assuming the above factors are at play. I would then say, that there is a measure of responsibility in making sure that whatever position you hold is spoken about with others with humility, without claiming that you know it all, since really, no one knows absolute truth.

Not one single person can tell the rest of the world exactly what a specific verse means. I think the word of God leaves much room for interpretation because there are cultural contexts to consider, there are traditions that were carried in the time that it was written to consider, there are metaphors and abstract ideas, and there is a whole world then that we, 2000 years ahead, may not understand fully. Therefore, we can't just read the text, and then say we know what it means. Scripture and who God is, is not known fully by anyone, and because we all interpret based on our experiences and through our eyes, it is imperative that we talk about we're learning, thinking about, and wrestling with, so we can gain knowledge from each other and have a well-rounded perspective. Throwing out different points of view seems important to me in discovering who God is. 

If everything were settled and all was understood because scripture is so clear about everything, we wouldn't have this longing to know more, have hundreds of different theories about meaning and intention, and no one would be continuing to throw out their ideas. I would argue that precisely BECAUSE the meaning of Scripture and who God is, isn't fully known, we ask, seek, and look for answers through dialogue with each other. Rob Bell's, "Love Wins" is his contribution to the conversation, that's all.

Let me communicate clearly that I fully believe in the sacredness of scripture, and do NOT believe you can use scripture the way you want and think, just to prove a point. What I AM saying is that we have been given minds that have the to ability to think deeply and critically about important things. I would even say that we are urged to, so that the foundation of what we hold to and know, are solid. I think then at the end of the day, you do your own research and find out what you believe for yourself, and that, to me, encompasses a lot of resources... people, prayer, books, your experiences, and of course, your understanding of scripture.

In everything that I am learning, I am doing my best to read and study, find scripture for what I believe, explained by people whose opinion I respect, and am asking God to give me clarity. It's a fun journey, and I'm learning so much right now. Continue the conversation with your owns thoughts, and enjoy the process of figuring out what matters to you! It's very freeing.

Twilight Uncovered!

This whole day I have been thinking about this notion of warfare going on that we can't see. Of course, I have heard this before, but for some reason, the explanation it poses for evil and an all-loving God to co-exist, has been radical to me. It's helped me in just the last 24 hours, think and see this world differently. I am really excited about the clarity that I feel like this "warfare worldview," as Greg Boyd calls it, is bringing me. I think it speaks to how humanity is, very well, and the everyday evils we are faced with. So with that being said, I had a thought about this other realm.

I am a huge Twilight fan. If my son's name wasn't proof of that, then I don't know what is. I am a 26 year old fan with two kids, not a 13 year old fan with braces, so I've wondered what is the appeal for me, the adult fan? In a conversation with my mom, I figured it out. Sure I thought the love story was interesting, sure I thought that Edward and Jacob were dreamy, sure I thought that it was a great action-packed adventure, and yes, I did wait in line to see the movies for hours and hours on end... but so did the crazy teenagers. What was different for me- and maybe other adult fans out there?

I'm going to say loving Twilight as an adult is different because we see and understand the world differently than tweens. If I am being super honest, I want to believe that there really is whole world surrounding our reality that we don't see, and I think stories like Twilight speak to that deep longing. This series puts a fictional world of creatures, good and evil, epic battles, and intense love, into a concrete example that makes it feel like non-fiction, giving me the power and imagination to hope that maybe, just maybe a realm like that, really does exist around us. Did you not wish that there were really vampires and werewolves fighting to protect mankind? Did you not want to believe in the Volturi, and that there are crazy power battles we don't see, and most of all, do you not want to believe that we humans, are capable of amazing things full of incredible purpose and meaning, like Bella? I SO wish that was true! I found myself captivated by this series of books because I want to believe that there really are things going on that we can't see, that we have an important part in even if we don't know what it is yet. Somehow, that seems to be the only thing that fits in explaining why there are some things that can't be explained.

Maybe there really is this spiritual world of good and evil, battling it out in our defense, and though we will obviously struggle to physically see it, our psyche and soul are screaming it does exist through our songs, stories, and art. We are begging to believe that there is more than what we see, and though there are likely parts of this unseen world that are evil and terrifying, we also know that there are good and just beings working on our behalf as well, and that somehow we are an integral part of that world. The story of Twilight does an excellent job explaining what our rational and logical minds can't with simple words. That is why I love this story so much! It proves to me that we do long for what we can't see, and that there is a bigger picture at play than we even are aware of. It's not just humanity and the earth working through things, it's the entire cosmos, it's everything that's ever existed. When I can put Twilight into those terms, I can separate myself from the 13 year old fan who just wants Jacob to keep taking off his shirt- which there's nothing wrong with, by the way :)

Here are few pictures from our family's adventure to Forks last March. The experience was awesome, and brought us a little closer to our hope that this story, or something like it, is real...

 

 Port Angeles

 

La Push Beach

 

La Push Beach

 

 Lake Cresent- on the way to Forks

 The Olympic National Forest

"God At War"

When I started this blog, I honestly didn't know exactly what I was going to write about, I just knew I needed to start writing. This new journey or verbalizing where I am at, has turned into a renewed love for learning, studying, and expression. There is a sense of vulnerability that comes with putting your thoughts and ideas out there, and even though it can be terrifying to be so open, there is also a huge amount of freedom as well. I mention that because I feel like there is a desire among my generation, especially -though not limited to just my generation- for authenticity and transparency in this search to know God. Whether that is through our leaders, or friendships, I truly believe we are searching for real people, who aren't afraid to take on the "tough" with grace, and face the uncertainties with unity, not an attitude of superiority. I personally don't want those who I am learning from, and talking with about these massive questions of faith, to give me the sense that they have it all figured out, like they are telling me how it should be done. I want to hear that they are on a journey as well, and have things that confuse the hell of them too. If I in anyway, have a voice that is heard and listened to, even on the smallest platform, I hope to display all the characteristics I mentioned above. If I don't, I have no right to be listened to. Let's just admit, that there are some really complex issues that Christians are faced with, and the pat answers can't give the kind of authenticity and depth that this generation is looking for. And let's explore these seemingly impossible questions, together, with kindness, grace, and love.

I say all of that above, because what I wanted to write about today, is complicated and begs lots of questions for me. So, here we go....


I am a verbal processor and put my thoughts together by expressing them. I was explaining to my dad all of these things that are going on in my mind and in my faith, and as we were talking, he recommended a book for me to read. After searching through five huge boxes of books at my parents' house, I finally found "God At War," by Greg Boyd. I began reading it last night, and just in the first twenty one pages, my mind is spinning. I have been trying to make sense of this idea of free will, the problem with evil, and this all loving God. Boyd address all of those in this book, and communicates it in ways that make sense to someone who isn't a "specialist," as he puts it. I wanted to share what I read in the first twenty one pages, because I am trying to wrap my head around it... and I just like sharing what I am learning :).

This book is about the problem of evil and how we have defined God' role in it -that's very general. Greg Boyd begins the book with the story in Daniel 10, that Daniel has fasted and prayed for three weeks and at the end of those three weeks, an angel came to him and said that God had heard his prayers, and would have answered sooner, but the "prince of persia" had delayed the response in getting to Daniel. That story sets the stage for Boyd to then go through a number of other cultures that, not only acknowledge, but put significant importance on the fact that there is a world we can't see that we are deeply affected by. There are spirits, and beings who have free will, like we do, and there is a war between these good and evil forces. This world, and humanity are victims of the casualties of this war that we can't physically see. Boyd explains that "western christianity" is wildly different than these cultures because of the "Age of Enlightenment" Era in the 17-1800's. During that time period, reason, logic, and rational thinking became the way that people starting looking at, and working through things, thus making our need to explain evil, a more rational one, as oppose to supernatural, and separating us from much of the rest of the world. We try to make sense and rationalize things, that may not have an explanation or higher good. A great point was made about that. To quote Boyd...

"If we modern Westerners cannot 'see' what nearly everyone else outside the little oasis of Western rationalism the last several centuries has seen, then perhaps there is something amiss with our way of seeing." 

Wow, that really got me thinking. Because of the Enlightenment period, and our inclination to try to explain and rationalized things, like evil, Boyd explains that we end up theorizing more about evil, then trying to overcome it. We try to explain why things happen, and what God's role in it is, as oppose to really trying to wrap our minds around this idea that we are at war, and casualties happen because of that war, not because of a higher purpose. My mind is absolutely blown! This is EXACTLY what I mentioned in my previous post, before even reading this book! I asked, "Are there things that happen, that just don't have a purpose?" I asserted that yes, there is. Then, bam, I open this book, and it's the first thing that's being talked about. Love it! See this why I hate the phrase, "God is in control" or "God has a plan for why this happened," as a way to explain or rationalize something heinous that has occurred- like the Japanese earthquake and tsumani, like disease, and abuse. There are just some things that are result of this unseen war that is being fought. With this war concept, it allows God to remain loving and true to his character, without being the cause or responsible for evil, for He himself is at war against these strong forces. Putting all of these pieces together, is so eye opening to me. I absolutely love this quote...

"If the world is indeed caught up in the middle of a real war between good and evil forces, evil is to be expected- including evil that serves no higher end. For in any state of war, gratuitous evil is normative. Only when it is assumed that the world is meticulously controlled by an all-loving God does each particular evil need a higher, all-loving explanation."

Yes, of course there are obviously still questions about why God would even create a world where evil would be established or exist, but I have to believe that:

1) I am going to learn a lot more about that through this book and Scripture.

2) We only see but a glimpse of who God is, now. That there are many parts of an infinite God, that our finite minds are not designed or capable of understanding.

This new understand of where evil comes from and how God truly is not responsible for the evil and pain in the world- which I feel deeply about, but couldn't articulate why- makes me realize there is a whole lot more about Jesus coming to this earth and dying, than I have ever imagined. He didn't just come to save us from our sins, though that is a huge part of it, He came for the cosmos, for the universe, He came to battle. Unbelievable. 

 I'm excited to explore this new avenue. I will most certainly post what I am learning as I read and study more. I hope this was interesting to you as well!

Questions From a Questioner

If the foundation of your faith is strong enough, and you are secure enough in what you believe about who God is and how He feels about you, then there shouldn't be fear in asking the tough questions. This is what I have been learning recently, and really trying to establish. I want my faith to be able to hold my uncertainties and still be anchored at the end of the day. The only reason we fear questions is because it could potentially threaten the very ideals we've built our lives on. But, if you're going to be so threatened by important and meaningful questions, how solid was your faith in the first place? That idea is kicking my butt. Without the wonder, curiosity, and questions, how do we continuing this quest of knowing God? No questions, means no depth, and I am desperate for depth and roots. With that being said here are some questions that I'm asking right now, in pursuit of truth, grace, wisdom, and knowledge of this unbelievable being I am trying to serve. I want to share them with you because maybe, just maybe, I'm not the only one who is wrestling with them, and we can discover and dialogue together.

1) I don't believe everything happens for a reason. I think this world and humanity is broken, and there are just things that happen simply because of that brokenness. Upon hearing about the earthquake in Japan, and the tsunami that followed, I have to ask, "Is it possible that there is no reason or purpose that this is happening?" My heart can't reconcile God causing this awful destruction just to prove that He is sovereign. That's so ugly. That same questions goes for suffering and unexplainable pain everywhere. Are there just things that don't have a purpose? I say, yes, though it's still something I will always be questioning.

2) We have free will, we make our own choices, and we were created that way. Doesn't then, our free will, have the potential to influence the future? Why yes, of course it does! How do we then partner with God to tackle the future together, and conversely, what does the future hold when our future decisions haven't been made yet? I pose that future is not all planned out. Aaaaahhhh, crazy right?! ;)

3) Since we are free to do as we choose, and that was such a risk for God to take in creating us that way, what else does that say about God? To me it says, that He isn't safe- meaning since He is willing to risk us not choosing to love Him, which is the ultimate, what other risks is He willing to take? - and it also says to me that He is the most kind and loving being to let us choose, so when we do choose to love Him, in what other ways does he extend His love, truth, and grace in our lives?

God is intensely vying for a relationship with us, and He often does that very unconventionally- or unconventional to us. He's the way He is. We are the ones who have put these ridiculous parameters on how, and in which way we're supposed to have a relationship with God, and have defined what is important to Him from what we think matters. We've missed the mark by a million miles, and have been taught silly things. I am reconstructing and rebuilding my faith from some of the nonsense that is out there, and trying to be real and honest with the struggle to put it all together. God is using paradoxes to show me what He's all about, and I am so excited about it.

The entire story of humanity and creation is for us to see how we are loved and cared for, and if we don't stand in awe and curiosity of what's in front of us- literally and figuratively stand- how will we ever know more?

Keep questioning my friends, God can handle it.

Open Theology- Open Futurism

I very briefly mentioned the theological point of view called "open theim" or "open futurism"  in yesterday's blog post, so I thought that I would give some reference to it, as it explains much of what I believe.

Since I was young, I have always been interested in the nature of God. The different ideas and theories that Christianity hold, really fascinate me. As I got older -because I'm SO old- I began to pick apart the ideas and theories that felt inaccurate to how I had experienced and viewed God. I'm still in the process, and hope to be forever, because I never want to stop learning, but in that search I have been able to find some identification with a newer way of thinking called "Open Theology" or "Open Futurism." It's most definitely not traditional, but I find that it speaks well to the free will nature of humanity, which I believe fully in.

Greg Boyd is the pastor of Woodland Hills Church in Minnesota, and is also an author and theologian. I find him refreshing and love his work. He would say he doesn't like the title "open theism," because the theory deals more with the future and our free will, so he would say, "open futurim" is more accurate term. In any case, here is an explanation from his website about what "open theism" is. I feel like he can explain better than my words could.

-This is copied straight from his website...

What is Open Theism?

Open Theism is the view that God chose to create a world that included free agents, and thus a world where possibilities are real. The future is pre-settled, to whatever degree God wants to pre-settle it and to whatever degree the inevitable consequences of the choices of created agents have pre-settled it. But the future is also open to whatever degree agents are free to resolve possibilities into actualities by their own choices.

In the open view, God knows everything perfectly, including the future. But since the future is partly comprised of possibilities, God knows it as partly comprised of possibilities.
This doesn’t in any way take away God’s sovereignty, for in the open view, God has unlimited intelligence. While beings with limited intelligence are more prepared for certainties than possibilities (because the more possibilities they have to anticipate, the thinner they have to spread their intelligence), the infinitely intelligent God is just as prepared for each and every future possibility as he is a certainty. Whatever comes to pass, God has been anticipating that very event from the foundation of the world as though it had to occur. It’s just that in the open view, God is so smart, it didn’t.

People sometimes worry that if the future isn’t foreknown as exhaustively settled, God can’t promise to bring good out of evil or defeat evil altogether in the end. Without knowing it, however, people who worry in this way are insulting God’s intelligence. If we trust that God’s intelligence is unlimited, we can remain confident that whatever comes to pass, however evil, God has been from the foundation of the world setting up a plan to respond to it. And we can affirm this without having to suggest that evil was originally part of his plan.

The open view has many positive implications for believers. It allows us to affirm that evil is not in any sense part of God’s plan for our lives, even though he perfectly anticipates it and can promise to redeem good out of it. It also means that our lives really make a difference. In the open view people have genuine “say-so” in what comes to pass. Things really depend on what humans do, including whether or not people pray.

For more on this, see G. Boyd, God of the Possible (Baker, 2000).

If you've made it this far, because I know that some are not interested in theology, thanks for letting me explain where I'm at right now. I realize that this view is a bit unconventional and can beg a lot of questions because it challenges what we may have been taught about God, prayer, and the future, but it's been a crucial part to my faith reconstruction, and I feel freedom in that. Questions and thoughts are welcome!

Defending the "heretic," Rob Bell

Inspired by the recent "firestorm" of one of my favorite authors, in lieu of his new book coming out this month, I wanted to speak to what I believe, as a fan and someone who gets energy from Theological discussions.

Rob Bell, pastor of Mars Hill Church in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and author of now 5 books, is being harshly criticized because of the questions that are posed in the content of his new book, "Love Wins: A Book About Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived." He asks questions like, "How can a loving God send you to hell?" and, "If there are only a select few going to Heaven, then is Jesus essentially saving us from God, and how is that 'good news'?" Since his book has not been released publicly yet, I haven't had the chance to read it, but from what I know and like about Rob Bell, I can't wait to get my hands on it. Here is a video promo for "Love Wins."

So, what's my response to the questions he poses, you ask? I say, thank goodness someone is willing to boldly and creatively ask things that, we who follow Jesus, have wrestled with ourselves! He is just on a larger platform asking the questions. He is accused of being a "universalist" (the idea or theory that everyone will be saved in the end), and a "heretic," simply for presenting these questions that are apparently, unthinkable. Are there not things that we can learn because of the process of wondering, even if we won't end up with a definitive answer? That to me is what Rob Bell is doing. He's presenting a point of view that challenges tradition, but is no way claiming he knows it all. He's simply provoking thought.  

No one can claim they know absolute truth. God is far too infinite for any one of us to say that we have it all figured out. So, wouldn't it be rational, logical, appropriate, and even encouraged to ask questions about God, faith, theories, and ideas, since we DON'T  have all of the answers? Do we not learn from talking, asking, and participating in something? Why is there such fear in a question? 

    

Here is my theory. It comes from a term that Rob Bell coined in his book "Velvet Elvis." He talked about "Brickianity" (a made up word), this idea that some people's faith is like a brick wall, and if you take one brick out, the entire wall crumbles. He then said, on the other side, that some people's faith is like a trampoline, bouncing ideas and questions off people and God, having fun being in dialogue and wrestling with these intense and important questions. I believe those who are criticizing Rob Bell for his new book, and the questions it raises, might fall into the "brickianity" category. Because he is likely going to be presenting a new side to what's been a traditional view of God's love and afterlife, does that mean that foundational things are shaken. Absolutely not. In fact, I would say it takes a strong foundation and strong resolve in what you believe to even be willing to ask such questions. To me, that's what Rob Bell's faith in Christ is displaying. Security, space to doubt, space to question, knowing that at the end of the day, whatever you asked isn't going to shake God's love and admiration for you, or what you know is true of who God is. 

Hello?! Why would the most creative being to have ever existed, the ruler of all that we see and don't see, the definition of truth and love itself, be scared by what we could possibly ask Him, or dabble with in trying make sense of Him? Do we really think that He's threatened by our questions? I doubt it.  

We are the ones who are scared of the questions because it begs us to open our mind and just consider that another point of view, story, or answer could hold some merit, or is worth thinking about. New ideas can be frightening, but there is nothing wrong with bringing another opinion to the table.

That is what Rob Bell has done so beautifully in the past, and will likely do again in "Love Wins.".

You don't get to know someone or something without wondering, talking, and asking questions. God is no different. Rob Bell is excellent at starting the discussion, and that's what I see him hoping for with his new book, and I wish him all the best. I'm so grateful for bold voices who can articulate a point of view that is hard to articulate...even with the backlash that comes with it. I will admit that I believe I fall into a newer theological view in Christianity called "open theology," or "open futurism," and though I am still pondering lots of things in that theory, I always find it refreshing to read and hear others who identify and ponder that same idea/theology as well. I would say Rob Bell does. I hope to learn something new in reading his book, and have my mind challenged, intrigued, and in continued wonder of this  infinite being we call, God. Here's to being a trampoline!

Everyone Needs a Little Ron Jeremy in Their Life

Parking lot full, a line wrapped around the building, a sold out event, packed with 2400 people. For months Eastlake Community Church had planned to host a debate, featuring, arguable, the biggest name in the pornography business, Ron Jeremy, and the founder of www.xxxchurch.com, Craig Gross. The night had finally come. A seemingly unlikely duo, Ron and Craig, have spent much time together going around the country debating all things pornography. Though they have done this debate over 50 times, this was one of the first times a church had invited the debate into their walls. It did not disappoint.

I was looking forward to this event, to hear both perspectives and sides of the coin. I walked into the debate, admittedly filled with my own preconceived notions and judgments about Ron Jeremy and what he was all about. I expected for Ron to glorify his industry, and rave about all the good things he feels it's done for society, and I'm pleased to say that Ron Jeremy isn't who I thought he was. Sure he has had a 32 year and counting, career in the porn business, and has slept with more women than he can probably count, but underneath all of that, is man who is searching, questioning, doubting, and wondering like I am. Between the debate Saturday night, and the four services he graciously was interviewed in yesterday by Craig Gross, I found him to be refreshingly honest, transparent, and absolutely hilarious. He didn't build up the porn industry to be the best thing this world has ever seen, and is not on a mission to suck people into that world....in fact, quite the opposite. He knows the business well, and answered the questions from a business man's point of view, but was clear that he doesn't care what people do; it's their choice. He is who he is, made fun of himself a lot of the time, and displayed much intelligence. He knows his stuff, and even though I'm not running to buy all of his films, I respect his two bachelor degrees, and master's degree in special education. He's a smart guy, and I am thankful that I got to see that side of him, and realize how easily I judge a book by its cover....or professtion

The most inspiring part of this whole experience was the relationship that Ron and Craig have. They banter and rip each other, and call each other names, but they also are able to have meaningful conversations about faith, questions of life, and doubts. Yesterday's services were more of a personal look at Ron as he was interviewed, as oppose to him defending anything, and it was profound to watch. There was a genuineness that Ron displayed that allowed me to appreciate his questions and doubts. He's had three very significant relationships in the last fifteen years, with people in the Christian community, and had several "whopper encounters" that have shaped him. He would admit there is something to be said for all of that. His wonderings aren't lost on a God who often uses the crazy to bring clarity. I'm curious how Ron Jeremy's story will end, and am glad for him that it's not over yet.

See more than ever, I was reminded that Jesus brings unity and wholeness...and especially to and from places that seem far from possible. The respect and admiration Ron and Craig had for each other was a testament to that. They genuinely care for each other, and trust each others' character and intentions. To see that in the flesh yesterday proved to me that Jesus can work in those who are willing, and uses paradoxes to reveal his purpose and love.

Now I'm not saying my mind was changed about what I think about pornography, but my mind was opened and reminded to take someone as the whole person. We all have a story that makes us who we are, and Ron Jeremy is no exception. He believes in God, is moved by worship music, and has had some life altering experiences that have led him to really contemplate what he believes and why, and I don't see how that is much different than you and me. I found his rawness to be refreshing, and very humbling. I'm grateful for the openness and willingness he had to walk in our church and be so vulnerable, and I think everyone needs a little Ron Jeremy in their life. Whether that's a friend, or a revelation that forces to you to think and respond differently, a "Ron Jeremy" experience will help you know Jesus better.

My mind is going to be spinning about this for days! Talk about God busting my "box!"

We Live in a Beautiful World

 
     



The sound of rain hitting the window, the vibrant colors of autumn, the smell of everything blooming in the spring, the beauty of fresh fallen snow and the way it quiets the world, the power and transparency of water, and the consistency of the seasons, stop me in my tracks. Truthfully it is so hard for me to put into words the peace, reverence, contentment, and gratefulness that creation brings to my soul. It's far too easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of life and the worries that come along with the huge responsibilities we bear, but I find that nature is such great therapy. When I get away from my mind, and literally focus on the beauty and elegance that I am surrounded by, it's gives me perspective, it grounds me, it refreshes me, and provides me with some energy to keep moving through my day.

Somewhere in my adult life, my appreciation for this beautiful world became more than just admiration. I've tried to articulate for myself, why I feel such hope and peace when I see, feel, hear, or smell something that makes me pause. Though I could probably come up with a million obvious reasons, this morning, the deeper reason came to me, and inspired this post.... In a world that is filled with pain, suffering, confusion, chaos, inconsistencies, and worries, creation is the opposite. It is the tangible and visible manifestation of God's character and love for us. It's consistent, ordered, lovely, and gives me hope that God cares for me and my life the way He cares for this gorgeous world that He's put together.  Creating something takes care, delicacy, and intelligence. You must think long and hard about something you are weaving together, and there is no doubt in my mind that God displayed all of those characteristics as he was creating such a fantastically magnificent world, and us.

Creation allows me to step outside of my fog and recognize that the God we yearn to understand, wants to know us too, and shows us how He will do that, through the world He's given us to dwell in for awhile. He cares for us with the same amount of detail, if not more, than the trees and flowers He's meticulously put together, and THAT is what I realized, this morning, as I was pondering why I feel so connected to God when I am curious and in wonder of the things I see.

I love Matthew 6: 25-27...

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

  
We matter! Creation screams that to me. I love taking pictures of the things I see when I'm a walk, or am just out and about. I've noticed my eye is now looking for new photo opportunities, because I love trying to capture what I feel. I'm no photographer, but here are some pictures I've taken over the last year or so (I really like trees and water), that keep me grounded, and reminded of God's goodness, and give me a little therapy, when I see them. Maybe they'll do that same for you. 

Anxiety Girl to the rescue!

I really hate the abbreviation, "lol" for some reason. Whenever I see it, I always think, "really? You're literally laughing out loud right now, at THAT? Doubtful." It's just one of my silly pet peeves (I could write a whole entry on my pet peeves, actually...maybe later). But I have to say if there was ever a time I would use  "lol" and mean it, it would be upon seeing the above picture. There is such identity for me in that picture, and that's why I think it made me laugh so hard. I wish I was laughing just because the picture was silly and fun, but the truth is, I was laughing because I feel like I could be that superhero.

Today's entry is short, and simply to say that if you identify with this picture like I do, and have a similar day to day tug-of-war with managing anxiety, depression, and panic, I want to you know you are not alone, and you are NOT crazy. I think anxiety/depression/panic and the whole "mental illness" genre of medicine is very misunderstood by the public, and often times not given the attention and merit it deserves. Especially in the christian community. I know there are strong opinions about how to manage, maintain, and work through anxiety, and I sure have my own, but no matter what advice and opinions you may hear from others, you have to do what's best for you, and take care of yourself. Only you can make that decision. I'll probably talk more about this throughout this blog, as I am very interested in our psyche, but we'll just start here for today. And no, your racing heart doesn't mean your having a massive heart attack.

Have a peace filled night, my friends.

God is a "Jack in the Box," not a sealed box

not God

GOD

 


               
              






So, I'm not wasting any time getting into the heavy stuff on here. Can you tell by the graphics above, what I think about God?

God is like a "Jack in the Box," full of surprises and ready to jump at us with new ideas, new direction, new revelation, and new perspective. He bursts out of the box, not when we want Him too necessarily, but when He wants to, and lot's of times, in the way and timing we least expect. It's just like the anticipation you feel when you are winding the jack in the box up,  just waiting to be thrilled by the character who will pop out, not knowing when, then all the sudden (usually when you aren't expecting it), that silly thing pops up and scares you half to death. God is the same way. We sit waiting, working, wondering, and then all the of sudden, BAM! He shows up big, in ways that we could have never had any foresight about.

I don't believe that God is a sealed box full of predictability, easily defined, and easy to follow. I think I used to try to define God, because it made me more comfortable. I could unwrap that box I had delicately put Him in, and take Him out whenever I wanted. I could pick the size of the box, the heaviness of the box, or even the amount of boxes I put Him, and for awhile that worked. But, somewhere down the road, between going to a discipleship program that had an answer, phrase, or "go to" saying for everything even if it didn't always seem to "fit", getting married/having babies, and living life with significant responsibility day to day, I changed my view and let go of a few of my ideas I held onto, because there are just some things that don't have a simple, pretty in pink, answer.

See when you get older, your world broadens, and your perspective on life's really tough issues change because you've now actually experienced a few things. You don't really have a choice but to redefine how you see God. Well, I take that back, you do have a choice. You can either start anew with your relationship with God and break your box down, or you can define God in the ways you always have. Of course, if you choose to not change your thinking and continue to try stuffing him in your box, even if he is bulging out of the seams, you will be working a million times harder for your box to hold, than if you just let the walls bust. By the way, I'm visualizing myself, sitting on a suitcase, sweating and cussing, trying so hard to make it zip with all the contents in it, all the while I just don't want to admit that I've over packed and am going to have to rearrange. And if I don't, I'll have to pay the extra fee and lug around this ridiculously heavy suitcase. That's how I view putting God in a box of your ideals that you can't shake. You'll end up working on something that just isn't going to fit and then paying for it. Whether emotionally, spiritually, physically, or mentality, you'll pay for it. It just works better to let God be who is He is, even with all the mystery that scares us. If every time you have a crisis, or tough decision to make, that He wants to explode out the box from to show you something, but you keep stuffing Him into your ideal box, your life becomes a joke. You wouldn't wear jeans that didn't fit!  When you experience something that doesn't fit with the way you have always viewed God, but you still try to make it work, it doesn't make sense. It's rigid, cold, and has no depth. If the box you've put God in doesn't line up with what's going in your life, it's probably because your box isn't working. If you continue to use something that doesn't work, it's pointless. Let the box burst!


Now, I'm not claiming that letting the box burst is easy, or even fun at first. I'm not even saying I have that whole thing down. I just know that in the ways I have let God surprise me, I haven't been disappointed, even when it's really hard to do. Though His box is filled with the unknown and things that I don't always understand, it's also filled with more grace, beauty, wonder, freedom, and truth, than I could come up with to put in a box I've created. God is terrifying. He catches us when we didn't even know we were being chased, He provides for us when we didn't even know we needed something, and He gives abundantly when we didn't deserve it. And that scares a control freak like me. But, I'd rather serve a mysterious jack in the box who loves me passionately and with detail, than a glass case that is fragile and could break any time life's craziness zooms through it...or a sealed, boxed in, God.

"5 Minutes Peace"

As I am writing this my precious 3 1/2 year old daughter is sitting on my lap, begging to help me on the "puter." I thought I was going to be sitting down, without much distraction for a few minutes, and then I remembered, "oh yeah Jessica, you're a mom, and distraction is at every corner." See, this job of motherhood bears much responsibility, a constant state of awareness, and the forever reminder that your life is not your own.... and I signed up for this?! For TWO little lives?! As much as I love being a mom, and being able to watch my kids grow and experience life, I am finding it amazingly refreshing to actually be honest with myself and others, and just admit that I don't have it together, I'm still seeking to find my place, and motherhood is so much harder than I imagined. I just don't want to fake it. I crave adult conversation during the day, I know every theme song to every kids show, I follow the trail of crumbs everywhere, and I'm the "go to" person for everything...for everything. Tough, frustrating, tiring, and patience testing, are a few words that come to mind. But, most often, I just feel like I want "5 Minutes Peace!"

Do you remember that book? Mama elephant, who is seeking a little peace and quiet, is followed around to every room in her house by her three children who want to show her tricks, sing her songs, and want a glass of water. They end up getting in the bath with her and taking over the solitude she was hoping for, and at the end she is able to escape for a solid 3 minutes and 45 seconds of alone time before the trail of elephants followed her back downstairs.

Well folks, this is the story of my life. Though I love my children more than is humanly possible to even put into words, I want some of "me" back. I'm on the journey, I'm discovering my strengths, I'm asking questions and putting my thoughts out there. I'm giving myself permission to make time for me, and find the things that make me tick. So, here we are. It's a Tuesday in March, and I'm "ticking away," writing; something I love to do, in hopes of discovering parts of myself I didn't know existed, expressing thoughts, and trying to get my "5 minutes peace." It's not all in my head anymore. Welcome.