Pause

I'm learning how to count to 10 again.

A funny thing for a gal in her late twenties to be re-learning.

We have a built in sensor system, called emotions. When something triggers us, it's as though a little light starts to blink inside, and that light represents a feeling. Each light corresponds to a different emotion, and they help us put words to our experiences, and name them. Emotions are deeply important to being human.

Emotions are also tricky, because you often can't control when one(s) hit you. Emotions can come on quickly, and without warning. They can flood us right away, and very immediately put us in a fog. They can make your sensors light up fast!

When you're feeling so intensely about something, it's easy to act impulsively, almost explosively, because you just want it out or solved, but more often than not, our inability to hold that emotion in for a moment, causes pain in our relationships. Our desire to solve the problem is good, but there has to be a better way to get from pain to solution. A bridge of some sort.

That bridge, in my opinion, is called a pause. We may not be able to control how we feel about something, but we can certainly control how we respond to it. When we choose to respond hastily in the heat of an intense emotion, we run the risk of damaging each other. It's amazing how letting your feelings settle first, changes everything.

I'm easily startled, easily frustrated with my kids, and easily overwhelmed with the craziness of being a mom, wife, aunt, friend, and frankly... a human being. Don't get me wrong, life is good, I'm just trying to figure it out, still. I'm grateful that growth works in process, and that new areas where growth is needed, are revealed in bits at a time, because if I'm overwhelmed at the mere fact that I exist, then I certainly couldn't do well, if everything I ever needed to work on was just piled on me at once. 

Learning to pause, has become a theme for me recently. Counting to ten when I'm overwhelmed, angry, or hurt, has saved me from regret. It's not an art I've mastered yet- I need major adjustments with my attitude towards my kids- but I'm certainly more aware of the value in stopping before responding.

Your "pause" could be a literal ten seconds in the height of your frustration, or it could be more figurative... Letting a call go to voice mail first, and calling back after your thoughts are gathered. Taking a few days before you send or respond to an email, or walking out of a room gracefully when you are feeling like you are going to burst. Whatever the situation and whatever the emotion, it's always easier to come back and say "ok, I'm ready to talk about this rationally now," instead of, "I'm sorry I said that, please forgive me." Spare yourself the regret, and take a deep breath.

Learning to count to ten when I was younger, was far easier than the kind of counting to ten I'm learning to do now, but I'd rather be preventative instead of regretful. I'd rather think now, instead of be sorry later. I'd rather speak last, than speak too quickly, first. I'd liked to be known for thoughtfulness in my words, instead of impulsiveness.

Be slow to speak.




              

Even When- Jesus and Gay Marriage

In my faith journey, there are two thoughts that I've been consumed with recently...

1) That the kingdom of God does not, and will not, look like our government system.

2) We need to view everything through the lens of Christ.

The issue of gay marriage is a big one, and this week, especially, it's taking a front seat in the news and in our conversations. It's obviously, a hugely important and relevant issue for this time in history.

I also think it's so interesting that this debate is happening the week of Easter.

If there ever there was a display of service, humility, anti-violence, and love, Jesus is that display. The life of Christ fascinates me. He was the source of truth and clear about how kingdom of heaven functions differently than the governments in this world, yet never condemned or judged anyone for not understanding or living it out perfectly. To the most extreme humanly possible, he showed his kingdom was different by being crucified without arguing, fighting back, or cursing those who persecuted him. Even in the midst of our dirt and muck, he humbly laid down his life. And not just for those who agreed he was the Messiah; for those who disagreed with him, and even more, those who hated him. He laid down the "sword," if you will, and was willing to look weak, so love and peace could prevail. He may have seemed passive, but truthfully, love is about the least passive thing he could have ever displayed.

I've been wondering, how should those who follow Christ respond to this super intense issue. It seems complicated, but maybe it's not actually as complicated as we've made it. What would it change if we actually looked through the lens of Jesus, and followed his example? If we stopped placing our ultimate authority in the government, and laid down our lives in the midst of disagreement, how much more would it display Christ, than fighting tooth and nail against the rights of those who are gay? What if, as those who are trying to follow Christ, we set aside whatever opinion we may have on this issue- whether for or against, set down our bibles, stop spewing our unhelpful words, and simply loved? Just like Christ did. He was convicted, but humble in his approach. He served, he washed feet, he didn't try to change the government or people's hearts with force or harsh words. He let things be as they were, and simply dwelt among us. He loved deeply and served unreservedly. What if we let God work on our hearts, first, before drawing bold lines in the sand?  What would it look like to keep our mouths shut, but our hearts open big? If we truly believe that the kingdom of God is not like the governments here, then what is there to fear if it does pass? What if we say, there are plenty of sinful behaviors to go around, and we're not going to pick apart each others lives, but work on our own instead? What if the we listen first, seek to understand one another, and loved no matter what? Would it be so bad, no matter what the law says?

This week marks the celebration of Christ's death and resurrection. I think it would be silly for us to not stop this week and ask ourselves how the most loving, gentle, caring, and powerful being to have ever existed, would look at this gay marriage issue, especially considering this is the week we are about to celebrate that beings' most monumental act of love. If he is our standard, then we must try to see things through his lens, through his actions, and through his life. And to me, the answer is not to fight, the answer is to love through service, and learn about one another first. Nothing else changes hearts than that. Not law, not government. In the midst of this country arguing about gay marriage this week, and also celebrating Christ's death and resurrection, let us remember that Jesus served even when, that Jesus was beaten even when, that Jesus was crucified even when, and that Jesus forgave and loved even when. We should be able to do the same. Love, even when.

We live in an either/or culture. We see that if we have one thing, the opposite can't also exist. I've been inspired these last few weeks, by a book a book I've been reading, to challenge the notion that two seemingly opposites can't co-exist. Can gay marriage exist in this country, and God still be present and active? Yes. Let us not reduce God's presence and work to a little law. He's bigger than that, and often works fervently in the "even when." This law is likely going to pass at some point. So what! My hope is not in what this government says what we can and can't do. My hope is in Christ, who walks with us in the valleys, who works on us in process, who meets us exactly where we are at, who loves deep, wide, and vast, and who conquered death. DEATH. My only responsibility is live out love the way he did. If he is big enough to demolish death, than he is surely big enough to love and cherish us each one of us, no matter where we stand, no matter what lifestyle we live, and even if/when gay marriage becomes law. We have nothing to fear.

Let us remember that God was resurrected and he redeemed us for all time. The government of his time, had no barring on what he was capable of, and the government of our time, has no barring on what he's capable of today.

May we see that laws and rules are not the end all, regardless of what happens, and that our lens in which we see the world, needs to be seen through Jesus Christ, who served, loved, and laid down his life...even when.

Love is a Risk

It's Valentine's Day, and Bobby and I got to spend the whole day together, but it's not exactly how I would have imagined.

To say this has been a shitty week, would be the understatement of my life, but it's the only word that comes close to accurately describing what's happened over here.

On Monday, I went in for my routine monthly prenatal doctor's appointment, only to find out that baby Cadriel didn't survive past nine weeks. I was supposed to measure at 11 weeks. With no physical indicators on my end, I was shocked. When delivering the news, the doctor was perfectly delicate, very sympathetic, and also straight to the point... they needed to get the baby out of me soon. I was told that the best option for success was to have surgery to remove everything. Let's just add injury to insult (I switched the phrase for this case). There is nothing like getting up way too early, to do something you hate, that you then have to pay lots of money for... and on Valentine's day. Truth be told, I'm not a huge Valentine's girl, but I sure as hell didn't want to spend it in the hospital, losing a part of my supposed future. Bobby was by side, or in the waiting room the whole time, and I guess when push comes to shove, that's what love is after all.

I'm not angry with God. He didn't do this. Nor do I believe that this is part of some amazing plan He has. He redeems things, but doesn't give us our pain. We live in a world that is so broken, so pain filled, and so rampant with suffering, and because of that, things like this happen. He is not responsible, but He is near....He was with me in the room when I first found out. He was with me when I drove home with wet, red eyes. He was with me when I came home and Bobby held me. He was with me when we told Layla what happened. He was with me I escaped to the bathroom to cry more. He was with me when I couldn't sleep that night. He was with me when my dear friends showed up with dinner and goodies. He was with me when my amazing friend offered to help get me to New York to see her and get away. He was with me when friends called with condolences. He was with me when I shed tears over receiving each bouquet of flowers sent. He was with me today, when this loss was physically finalized. And He will be with me with each breath I breathe through this recovery- emotional and physical. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Never have I felt more sadness, never have I felt more comfort. Strangely, there's been blessing in this.

See the thing with loving anything, is that it is a risk. In order for love to be true, there must be a choice, and if there is no choice, there is no love. When you choose to love, you open your heart, and when your heart is open, it's vulnerable, and when it's vulnerable, both good and bad have equal opportunity at your heart. But, just because there is the chance for bad to creep in, it doesn't mean you close your heart to the good things. If you never risked, you'd never love. And that's what we want. No matter what form of love you experience, i.e. romantic, friendship, a family member, or the love of a child, you are exposing your fragility. It's terrifying. But we do it anyway, because that's what we long for- to love and be loved. My heart wanted this baby, and though I've had two very healthy pregnancies in the past, there is always risk involved with conceiving and carrying a child, because the unknowns are at every single corner. I took the risk anyway, because I love. I loved the baby the second we found we were pregnant, and because I loved that baby right away, I mourn its death.

Love hurts sometimes, but love also heals. It does both. Never in my life have I experienced this kind of pain, but I've also never experienced the kind of love, support, and help in time of need, like I have this week. There's been a few times this week where I've said, "If you're going to go through something this shitty, go through it with people who care about you." It makes everything different. My grief is thick, for lots of reasons, but my hope and sense of comfort is just as real as my sadness. It's an odd place to be, but it's what I know. I am letting the tears flow as they may, and letting comfort and peace build me up when it comes. I don't think this is something you ever "get over," in the emotional sense, but I do believe that as time passes, the sting will fade, and I'll be able to take fresh steps forward. No matter what though, my heart will be forever imprinted because of this little baby that just couldn't survive.

The journey to having another baby may not be over, but today is a major pitfall, and that has to be named for what it is, and be ok. This sucks, I hate this, didn't want this, and wouldn't wish it on anyone. Period.

So, Bobby and I spent the day together on Valentine's Day. It may not be how I imagined spending this day, but I'm certainly not questioning Bobby's love me, and that is celebration enough.

**My heartfelt thanks to everyone who has called, texted, emailed, fb messaged, stopped by, and helped with Layla and Cullen. It's absolutely unbelievable to me that there has been such an outpouring of love, prayers, and support. Truly, I give you my deepest gratitude. Thank you.**

One Word 365- Complete

I'm a bit of a New Year Resolution, Scrooge. January is the toughest month of the year for me. I'm coming down off of the holiday high, and everything takes more energy than usual to do. I love living in Washington, but one of the hard things about winter here, is that it is dark- pitch black dark- at 5:00pm. My resolve to do anything is quickly diminished by the fact that I am ready for bed at 5:30pm. I realize the start of a new year is a great time for some to start new habits, and regain strength for the year to come, but I just find myself tired and worn out at the beginning of January. Therefore, I've never really been one make resolutions at the beginning of the year. 

There are so many reasons blogging is food for my soul. It's been an outlet for my thoughts, a place where I can bounce ideas and thoughts off of anyone who will listen, and a place to express and encourage my creativity. The biggest reason I love blogging though, is that it has brought me some dear friends, who I wouldn't otherwise know, or know as well. Jenny, and Trischa are such ladies. So when Trischa mentioned this concept of "One Word 365," to Jenny and me,  I was immediately drawn to the idea, since I pretty much love anything she or Jenny has to say.

I may not jump on the resolution bandwagon, but I am a huge fan of bettering yourself and evaluating where growth is needed, and that is the exact concept of "One Word 365." Instead of a traditional resolution that says, "I will do this," or "I won't don't that anymore", the focus is picking a word, one word, for the year, that you want to emulate, and learn about. A commitment to understanding the depth and meaning of a word, and allowing it change you, is a concept I can wrap myself around. So, this is my pseudo New Year Resolution- to let my word change me.

It took me a few days to figure out what word I wanted to be attached to all year long, but once the word came to mind, I knew it was the right one.

My word for this year is Complete.

The dictionary defines "complete" as...

having all parts or elements; lacking nothing; whole; entire; full

finished; ended; concluded

to make whole or entire

to bring to an end; finish

This is what I am defining "complete" as this year. It's two fold for me.

A) I want to be a person who follows through with the things that I say I am going to do. I don't want to make empty promises to others- especially my kids. I desire to be a mom who will "complete" the things I say I am going to. If I say I am going to do something for or with my kids, I want to make those things happen, or not say anything at all. If I can't deliver, I don't want to commit, or even open my mouth. Those little ones deserve for my words to hold weight. Beyond my kids, generally speaking, I want to do for friends and family, what I say I will do. I know for me this is an area that needs improvement, and this year will be devoted to really focusing on following through for those I care about. It's easy to say you'll do something, then in the busy-ness of life, let it slip between your fingers.... No more.

B) The second part of the word "complete" that I want to emulate, is the alternate definition. Not the part where you say "I completed that task," but the part that says means "to make whole." I know that as long as we walk this earth, we will never be "finished," but I do believe that as we travel deeper and farther on our life's journey, that new pieces of our brokenness are revealed, or brought to the surface. If we choose to ignore that brokenness when we feel it, we simply remain broken, and therefore stagnant. I don't want to make choices the aid in my brokenness. Therefore, in the parts that I am aware of currently, I want to work hard to make my present broken parts "complete," or whole again. Maybe it will just be one thing this year, maybe it will be a snowball affect and there will be 10 things, but regardless, I want to be aware and working on wholeness in my life, and begin the journey of making those parts "complete."

Trischa, Jenny, and I will likely be posting on our "One Word" experience throughout this year. You can follow along, or not, but somehow, just putting words out there for the world to see, holds me accountable- which I need.

So, here's to throwing in the towel to New Year Resolutions, and doing something that might actually stick. I hope to "complete" this year being different than when it began.