My kids are awesome: Fact
I love them so much it hurts: Fact
My favorite of times of the day are naps and bedtime: Double fact
I'll admit, that even in my deep affection for my children, most of the time I'm worn out, tired, and tightly wound. Not that I'm complaining about having kids, because surely they are two of the biggest gifts in my life, but they are 24/7. Do anything that long and that consistently, and you'll be just as worn out, tired, and tightly wound as I am.
Maybe it's the phase of parenting I'm in with two young kids, maybe it's my personality, or maybe it's just that I'm discovering the truth of motherhood, but I'll be honest, the rewards are few and far between. Most days I am battling bad attitudes, managing fights, dealing with messes I've already cleaned up, carrying loads of stuff in my arms, and praying that somewhere in between all of that, I can maybe sit for a few minutes to get centered again. There are moments here are there where I see small fruits of my labor, but mostly, it's hard work with glimmers of accomplishment coming slowly, and vanishing quickly.
I do believe that being an active and present mother, is the best and most loving way to show your kids they matter, but the amount of self-sacrifice that's required for your kids to know and feel that, is remarkable. I still want to be selfish, and am at times. I want to do what I want, when I want, how I want. I want to be able to leave the house without having to lug so much around. I want to go to Target in peace. I want to be able to go see a movie without worrying about childcare. I want to go on vacations with my husband just us two. I'd love to have a meal where my food isn't picked at, and I want to take a shower without a head poking through the shower curtain, to which I have to reply, "I'm almost done!
Motherhood is all or nothing. You can't half ass being a good mom, and end up with healthy, functioning children. Which, is obviously the goal.
Most days this is how I feel....
I am not supermom. I don't do crafts, amazing home activities, or cook. I clean and de-clutter obsessively. Sometimes I want to do that more than I want to play with my kids.
I'm not supermom. I can resort to raising my voice quickly- I startle so easily.
I am not supermom. When it comes to life circumstances, I'm patient, rational, and can have a clear head, but when it comes to my kids, I'm snappy, impatient, and often times easily annoyed.
I'm not supermom. We don't do a bajillion extra-curricular activities. The thought of having Layla and Cullen in 17 different programs, makes my blood pressure rise just thinking about it. We spend a lot of time at home watching movies.
I'm not supermom. I can't run around the entire day without a break. From 2:00-5:00pm, I want to drug me and my kids so we can sleep through that part of the day. Those hours are from the devil. I get so sleepy in the afternoon!
I'm not supermom. I would rather go get my hair done, then play with barbies and cars.
I'm not supermom. I microwave most of my kids meals, and they usually get dessert after them.
I'm not supermom. I don't wake up early to work out, make an amazing breakfast, and get everyone up to put on their perfect clothes. We're lucky if we get out the door on time with half of our hair brushed, and a couple bits of food in our mouths. It's a mad dash to the car that I just remembered was on "empty." Shoot, now we're going to be even more late.
I'm not supermom. I get pissed off and yell when my son headbutts me, or hits me just because my face happens to be in the line of fire when he's angry.
I'm not supermom. I answer my daughter with a super sarcastic/annoyed tone, "Yes, Layla"
I'm not supermom. There are days where all I want to do the entire day is watch "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," and drink diet coke.
With heavy sarcasm I say, I love it when someone- usually older, asks , "Don't you just love being a mom?," because it's normally on a day where I'm my most tired, I've broken up a thousand fights before we've left the house, and I have a scratch mark across my face from my son mauling me while I was holding him. "Yes, being mom is awesome. I love being hit, scratched, needed, and exhausted all the time."
Not to paint motherhood in the worst light possible, but let's just be honest here, it's not rainbows and butterflies. The work is constant, the feeling of isolation is real, and the desire to find and maintain yourself is stronger than ever.
I don't know how to move out of feeling that way except to keep trekking along, asking for help when I need it-which is often, and trying to be as honest as I can about my experience with motherhood.
It's one day at a time, for sure. On the good days, I am grateful. On the hard days, I want to lock everyone in their rooms and sleep the whole day. On the in between, mundane days, I try and remember that my longing to be a good mom may be manifested in these things...
I'm not supermom, BUT I don't go a day without telling my kids that I love them.
I'm not supermom, BUT I give my kids as much affection as they'll let me.
I'm not supermom, BUT I wake up with them every morning and make sure they have what they need to start the day.
I'm not supermom, BUT I vow to always say sorry, when I know I'm in the wrong. Layla and Cullen hear I'm sorry a lot.
I'm not supermom, BUT I have vowed that as much as I can control, that I will be on time to pick Layla up from school, so she doesn't have to sit and wait, wondering if I'm coming or not.
I'm not supermom, BUT I do my best to heavily consider the well-being of my kids when making tough decisions.
I'm not supermom, BUT I look at those lil' goobers sometimes, and couldn't imagine my life without them. Craziness, mess, frustration and all. They are my heart.
You don't have to supermom to be a good mom. Sometimes we need to leave "good enough" alone, and stop to celebrate the small victories in our day. Sometimes we underestimate the little things, that end up not being so little. And sometimes there will 5732402347345 days in a row, where you are at your max, are tired, are worn out, and want to leave it all to drink by a pool, far far away.
Hang in there. Your kids will better for it.
I'm trying to believe that myself.
