The Grass is NOT Greener

Identity Games: Day 3

If you want to get caught up from the last few days, click here and here, for yesterday's posts
If you're just joining us click here and here, to catch mine and Jenny's heart about this series.

Let's start today with a story...

There is a girl who, on paper, looks like she's done very little with her life except get married, had kids, and landed her and her family back in her parents "basement." Not exactly the picture of success in this worlds terms. She struggles with pinning herself against others who are her same age, and seem to be "further" in life, more secure, and more together than her. She's gone through a lot in the last few years from some huge relocations, discovering that she has major anxiety, and dabbling in the land of depression. In looking around her she feels like she should be doing more, be better at "xyz," and all together not good enough sometimes. She wonders if there will ever come a time in life where she'll be able to step into her own and feel "normal" again. She's feels deeply, thinks deeply, and processes deeply. She is very aware of what's around her, hence the reason she can be easily sucked into the comparison game.


I have started and restarted writing this post probably 5 times. For some reason conveying how I feel and how I struggle with comparing, has proven to be very difficult. Putting my thoughts together for this one, was challenging- maybe because I know deep down I am mostly talking to myself.

I don't know how to say this any other way, except that comparing is one of the biggest "identity games" I play as a woman, and it's also the thing I do that I hate the most.

Want to know why? It's because comparison is the thief of joy. Seriously. The more I focus on pinning myself against someone else's norms, tearing myself down for not having this, or having that, the more the peace and contentment I feel in my life gets stripped away.  Comparing is the number one thing to me that destroys relationships between women, especially if it's between a woman and herself.

Whether you are comparing lives, stuff, bodies, relationships, or talents, it doesn't matter. The bottom line is that you are minimizing the beauty in your life, and refusing to see how unique you really are. You have things that no one else does, and that's not in a "ha-ha" kind of way. I mean that in the most sincere way possible. You are designed to be no one other than you. I know it's not easy to push aside the ideals of what is normal, or that we're told normal is, but the truth is that normal is relative. Everyone's lives are specific to their experiences and stories. When we try to be like someone else, want what someone else has, or strive to look a certain way, we forget to factor in any sort of background to who or what you're comparing yourself. To me that changes everything.

Example 1:

Do you really want to look like the girl who has the "perfect body" if she's spent most of her life living in self hatred thinking she'll never look the right way.
Or more simply put, maybe she's 5 inches shorter than you and should weigh less and look different than you because she has a completely different body type than you.
You wishing you looked like her, means you would be the most physically unhealthy version of yourself you could possibly be.
Healthy is relative. Be healthy for YOU, for your body type, not someone else's.

Example 2:

Maybe Mr. and Mrs. "So and So" have a gorgeous house, perfectly manicured lawn, she looks like dynamite- she's had 7 kids and doesn't have an ounce of fat on her, and he is a serious player in a big business, and you find yourself comparing your life to theirs.
Little do you know that their marriage is in shambles, she's super controlling, and he's verbally abusive. Their kids try anything to get away from the house and want nothing to with their parents. The only reason she tries to look good is because she gets no attention and compliments at home, and is seeking it elsewhere. Her husband is so torn down at home, that he buries himself at work so he doesn't have to face the music at home.
Do you really really want that?

Remember the story at the beginning of the post?
That girl is me

All of those things are true about me, but let me tell you the about the other side. The side that I choose to focus on every second I can. The side that "paper" can't understand.

My husband and I have been together for 7 1/2 years. We've grown up together. He is my best friend. We got married young, then had kids young. All of this happened just a few short years after high school. Our children are healthy, happy, and seriously make our lives better. In the last few years, Bobby and I have had to make some really tough decisions about how, and where we were going to raise our family. That part hasn't been easy, but he and I are better because of the hard decisions we've had to make. Yes, we live in my parents' mother-in-law apartment, but you know why? It's because my parents are gracious, supportive, and love us dearly. Because Bobby is in school, money is tight, and I desperately want to stay home with my kids, my parents graciously remodeled their "basement" for us, so we could breath a little easier. Seriously incredible. So yeah, we live very close to my parents, but I have the most amazing support system within my reach. It's incredible.
In between the kids, I discovered that I had major anxiety. I won't even try to explain it right now, because sometimes there are no words, but my husband, though he doesn't fully understand what happens to me in those moments, has never left my side and does everything he can for me when I have an anxious day or even a bad panic attack. I also have a truly amazing mom, who will take a phone call from me anytime of day, just so I can talk through what's going on. Through going to counseling, one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life, I've been encouraged to write and take care of myself. Because of that awesome suggestion, I have found
nitches in myself that give me energy and help me be a better mom and person.
I've got people who love me, I'm the healthiest and most well rounded I've been in years, I have support at any moment I need it, and somehow when I focus on those things,
all the nasty comparing I do goes away.
Why would I possibly want anything else when I have the most
lovely things right in front of me.

I'd take my crazy, confusion, fun, and beautiful life over anyone else's, because it's mine.

Gratitude Changes Everything.

 Believe me, even though I am the most settled, content, and at peace I've ever been. This "comparison game" comes up and bites me on the butt sometimes. I think there will always be waves of that, and that's ok, but stop it as soon as you can, and remember that
the grass is never greener on the other side, because we all have struggles and issues. You hop the fence, you get a whole new sets of problems.


So it seems to me, the goal is to water the grass that you're standing on.
Wherever you are. Whatever you do. Water the grass your feet are on.
Be excited about what your eyes can see now, and don't focus on what you think is
behind your neighbors fence.

Be sure to read Jenny's thoughts on comparing today. They are really good!

Thursday Latelies tomorrow! Woo hoo!
~Jessica

Flawless- Nah!

Identity Games- Part two!

Did you ladies like mine and Jenny's posts from yesterday?
If you're just joining us, click here and here to see what this "Identity Games" blog series is all about.

Jenny touched on this yesterday, but we're hitting on it big time today.

We are so critical of ourselves, and let those negative words and thoughts define us.
Well, here's another "game" that we play. The "flaw" game.


Here's a few questions...

Would you say that there are certain parts of yourself you're uncomfortable with?

Are there parts of your body that you like to cover up or tweak, if you can?

Or how about even beyond anything physical, is there a part of your personality or internal make-up that you struggle with?

Well, I will be the first to tell you that I answered "yes" to all of those questions.
So, in the spirit of full disclosure and honesty, let me tell about two of my biggest  "flaws."

1) I have had two kids. I don't know many moms that have absolutely fallen in love with their post baby bodies. I know I'm not in love with mine. You can hear all the cliches in the world about how "stretch marks are your pregnancy battle wound," or that they are "a beautiful reminder of the sacrifice you've made for your kids" ... blah. blah. blah.
I'm sorry, my reminder that I've had kids is the fact that they are right in front of me, with me 24/7, I do everything for them, and I hear "Mommy" every 5 seconds.
Do I really need stretch marks down my sides, inner thighs, boobs, and stomach to remind me what I've gone through it, as well?
Couldn't the kids themselves be enough?
Well, apparently that's not how it works. Our bodies rarely go back to their pre-baby form, and we are left with what feels like gashes on our bodies that we have to live with the rest of our life. 
I don't care if they are big or small, bright red, or flesh colored.
Stretch marks suck, and I'm not fond of mine.
I would do it all over again to have my kids, and that's the truth, but it doesn't
mean that I'm excited to look at them every day. 
You haven't babies, you say? That doesn't mean you can't feel this way. For me that's just when my body drastically changed, but I have friends who have had body changes simply because we're getting older. Really, it's doesn't matter if you have a baby or not, you can
love and hate your flaws just the same.
My body is so far from what it was 10 years ago, it's not even funny.
What is funny though, is that even was I was a skinny little thing in high school, I was critical of myself then, too. Not horribly, but I definitely was aware of how I felt about myself.
I look back on pictures and say, "I had nothing to complain about- what was I thinking?!
We're so hard on ourselves all the time!

 I guess the moral of this first point, is that maybe we're all more alike than we actually think. More woman are the rule to this scenario, than the exception. The exceptions are not the bar, and we need to remember that. The only way I know how to stand my stretch marks, is not to deny that they are there, or try to ignore them, but to simply acknowledge that they are there, be grateful that my body was even able to host two kids in the last few years, and choose to wear things that I feel great in/accentuate the parts of myself that I really like.
Those stretch marks aren't going away, so instead of hating that part of my body,
I'd rather focus on what I can change and control.
That's why I like coloring my hair, putting on make-up every once and awhile, and painting my nails. It shifts my thoughts. It takes the negativity I have towards certain parts of my body, and puts my attention on the parts that I like.


2) I am an introvert. I get more energy from taking time to myself, than I do with a million people around. I prefer smaller groups, than larger ones. I hate loud noises. I'm easily startled, I'm sensitive to smell, I'm visually overstimulated very easily, I'm picky about textures, I'm really aware of, and affected by my environment, and I'm very easily overwhelmed.
I spent a lot of time wondering why internally, I would get such strong reactions to things and why I got overwhelmed at the drop of a hat. I chalked it up to motherhood, or fact that that's the way I've always been, but it wasn't making sense even with those explanations. I viewed those characteristics as something quirky, odd, or not normal, maybe even a "flaw" in my personality at times. I'm not saying that I hated myself or anything, I just didn't have the right resources and language until recently until to explain what I was feeling.
Well, it turns out, none of those things were feelings at all. I discovered that I am a "Highly Sensitive Person." It's a personality trait, not an emotion. It's how I was built and created.
Even though I still have strong reactions to certain things, and they can be frustrating to my husband, I can't change it. That's a huge part of who I am.
Once I found this out about myself and was able to articulate what was going on with me, I also found that there is another side to this coin. Though this trait carries all of the things I mentioned above, it also encompasses many of my strengths. Viola!


The reason I wanted to share those two pieces of me with you, is because I think it's safe to say that we all have something(s) about ourselves that we are trying to figure out, or that we simply don't like. In my mind, there's nothing wrong with feeling like you'd prefer a certain part of your body look different, but it's crucial that those things don't define us, as a whole.
They are a pieces of us, but not the entirety.
I think it's more important to look at ways to accentuate what you do love, or use your strengths where you know they are needed, then to be so angry and critical about what you can't change.

The other piece to this for me is to continually make sure that we, as woman, aren't openly criticizing and judging each other. I'm as guilty as they come, but it's not worth it.
The older I get, the more I realize how delicate we actually are, and for that reason, we need to give grace, love, support, and encouragement.
Even the most well intended gesture or comment can be a trigger for someone's pain.
Every single one of us has "flaws," but we also have stories of pain, discomfort, and confusion that go with those flaws, so drawing attention to someone's flaw
can actually be devastating, and down right rude.

I'm so grateful for a friend like Jenny, because she is a woman who embraces the skin and body she's in, laughs at the "flaws" she can't do anything about, doesn't let anything on the outside build her identity, and she encourages other woman to love themselves too. A primo example of someone who is living out, what I've been writing about today.

I wish there was a simple answer that would somehow allow us to snap out of focusing on our flaws, but there isn't. There's so much to be comfortable in your skin and mind, and all I can is that in my experience it's a process, and it comes in waves, therefore, always encourage each other, speak kindly, and never assume you know what you're talking about.

We are more than our skin, and we are more than our flaws.

Be sure to check out Jenny's awesome post for today! She's a good one, folks!

~Jessica

The Crazy Hair, Bad Breath, No Make-Up You

Welcome to day one:
"The Identity Games" starts now...

There are these ridiculous standards that us ladies are "supposed" to live by. Here are some examples:

Be skinny
Be a size negative zero
Have the most put together house
Have the dream relationship
Have perfectly well behaved kids
Be talented
Never let your weakness show
Never break out

Where these absurd ideas of what's normal, came from, I don't know.
I just know that one size does NOT fit all.

Weight, relationships, looks, and lifestyle are relative to your unique self, story, personality, and experiences. Those are what make you, you. Nothing else

Jenny and I are going to be touching on a lot of those issues this next week. We want to be truthful with you, about where we're at and hopefully start some good conversation.

The bottom line in all is that YOU matter incredibly. A well-rounded perspective on all things "self" starts with loving who you've been created to be on the most basic level. You are loved simply because you were created. Not how you look, or by how much you weigh. We women need to encourage one another, not criticize.

Now I recognize that living out that idea is so much easier said than done, and I really do believe it's a lifelong journey, but it's an important journey to be on- and for the record, I'm in the midst of this now.

Having a healthy relationship with yourself gives you freedom and the resolve to say, "Forget what the outside is saying, I know who I am and what I'm capable of," and to push the unhealthy influences we are constantly bombarded with, to the side. Jenny is a fabulous example of beautiful woman, who can do just that.

When you know what a healthy weight and size is for YOUR body, comparing yourself to others seems silly.

When you know what you're good at, you don't need compete with someone else to be better at something.

When you are 27, 30, 33, etc, and still breakout every once and awhile, you can laugh it off.

I'm learning how to take care of myself, and learning to embrace my quirks.
I just want to take my make-up off and be honest.

Here are some pictures to illustrate my point.
From waking up, to no make up, to day and evening make up- you'll get the idea.
Be sure to check out Jenny's pictures too!

The "Good morning" me

The "No Make-Up" me

The "Simple Make- Up" me




The "Going out-ish" me

Don't be fooled by any pictures you see on facebook or on this blog
I am not sexy when I wake up.
My hair is crazy
I have bad breath
My face often looks puffy
I have pillow mark creases on my arms and face
My shirt and pants are twisted in ever direction

As unglamorous as the just woken up, and no make-up me is,
That is the real me.
That's who my husband and kids wake up to, and see the most.
That's myself in my most basic form.
That's who I want to keep coming back to, and be working on.

It's fun to put on make-up, it's great to put yourself together when you want to, but just remember
that no amount of make-up makes you, you, nor does is erase the fact that you started the day with crazy hair, bad breath, and pillow marks all over your face-  THAT is the you that matters, and is most important. It's THAT you, you need to have a healthy relationship with.

Jenny has some awesome thoughts to share today, too. Head over there and see where she's coming from. Link up over there, too, if you want to show us your "Good Morning" selves :)

Until tomorrow!
~Jessica

The Identity Games

Hey Everyone!

Check out the video below, then go ahead and hop on over to Jenny's blog to see exactly why we're linking our blogging arms to bring you a week long series called

"The Identity Games"




Every single one of us was made to be exactly who we are, yet there are so many outside influences that play "games" with us ladies, telling us who we need to be.

Well, enough. Let's spend this week talking about what matters, and reclaiming our unique, beautiful, and specific identities.

Please interact and engage! Jenny and I want this to be a conversation starter, so feel free ask questions, speak, link up, and join us this great week! We can't wait to get to know you better!


See you tomorrow for the first post of the week!

Pause. Breathe. Look. Listen.

The last two weeks have been some of the most challenging weeks in parenting that Bobby and I have had. Layla turned a corner and starting exerting more will, pushing the boundaries, and was pretty defiant when she didn't get her way. I think I always knew that a phase like this was bound to happen, but I'm not going lie, I was taken by surprise when her new found attitude flew in like a tornado.

Whether it was an argument about listening, throwing things at me in the car, kicking me while I buckled her in her seat, saying awful and hurtful words out of anger, or simple saying "no" in a very matter of fact way, our Layla was clearly communicating that she wants to be boss.

Bobby and I chalked it up to lots of factors, but the bottom line was that we needed to get our act together as parents. We had spent the first 4 years of her life providing shelter, safety, food, warmth, and love, which is exactly what kids need in the first few years, but she needs more now. We entered the phase of parenting where she not only needs the basics, she needs guidance and directions. She needs to learn how to be a healthy, functioning human. You know what that means though, it means that Bobby and I can no longer parent her the way we were so accustomed to. We needed to step up our game, and start leading by example, getting creative with consequences because she's smart enough to understand some logic now, and follow through- oh, the following through.

I am convinced that parenting ends up being so much more about the parents growing up, than the kids. This whole experience of shifting our parenting the last few weeks, has forced ME to change first. I have to pave the way for my kids, I have to lead by example, I have to model to Layla- and Cullen, how to treat people, behave, and how to be healthy. Well, you can't teach those things well, if you haven't learned them yourself, so it's safe to say that I have learned a lot these last few weeks.

Parenting is tough, it's very personal, and it's relative to your children, and the relationship you have with them and their needs. But, as personal of an experience as parenting is, it's something I don't want to do alone. I'm talking about outside of Bobby and I. We need help from others who have done this before. We need support from those who know and love our kids. We need help with creative and logical consequences when we are in the heat of anger. Parenting is almost nearly impossible when you do it on your own. In this crazy time with Layla, I've been grateful for the help I've received from family and friends, and the support that Bobby has given me since he knows that I'm dealing with these issues all day. He's swooped in many times when he's gotten home, and taken the reigns for me, and backed me up. He's a keeper.

I have posted about how deeply moved I am by creation and the beauty in this world. Refer to my
"We Live in a Beautiful World" post to get the full picture. I have found, over the past year that when I've felt stressed, burnt out, frustrated, or just need some quiet time with my thoughts, that taking time to look at my gorgeous surroundings, and capture the best I can, what I'm seeing, puts things in perspective for me. I can hardly put into words how much peace and clarity I feel after a time out- outside. Well, between the craziness we've had with Layla, the pace of life speeding up a bit with fall activities starting, the hope of things to come coupled with the fear of disappointment (I'll explain more in another post), AND the fact that beautiful fall is here, I thought it was time for a walk and mini photoshoot nearby our house.

So, I wanted to share with you the pictures that I took this last week, that continue to hold me together, remind that there is beauty all around me no matter what's swirling inside me, and that even when there are twists, turns, and uncertainties in life, that there is consistency, and there is also a rhythm to life- seasons being proof of that. I need reminders like that more often than not, and that's why these are some of my new favorite pictures.

Enjoy, and be encouraged through these pictures that whether you're struggling with parenting, fear, doubt, confusion, and uncertainty, that you are less alone than you think.

Pause. Take a deep breath-literally. Look-really look. And listen.
You'll hear more in the silence, than you could ever hear with noise.

Those are four things that are wildly important with parenting and everything else in life, and I just happened to learn them from taking a few steps outside.

And my two greatest reminders
to pause, breathe, look, and listen are...

Cullen

And Layla



Welcome to October!

Thursday Latelies!

What's making your world a little brighter this week?

Well, click here to find out what's making my week a good one.
 Then, link up with BEX
to meet more fun ladies with some great things to share.

(There was a weird break in the video- hmmm, I'll have to look into what happened. I was playing around and didn't mean for anything to stay on the video. Also the lighting changes too. Sorry!)

There's nothing like new music. GOOD new music that is.
Allow me to introduce you to...
Young the Giant
My current favorite of their is the song "I Got." Check out itunes for their full album.


I am still hooked on the Hunger Games books.
Book number 3 Mockingjay is what I'm currently reading.
Don't say anything if you know how it ends- spoilers are not allowed on this blog!
I'll report back when I'm done with the book, but don't say anything to me yet about the third book until then. Only books 1 and 2 please!

The Asiago and Spinach Pasta has been a hit at our house. If you try it, let me know what you think. Also, if you have any quick, easy, and fairly neutral-not crazy dinner ideas, feel free to throw them my way! Oh, and I forgot to mention that I used whole wheat pasta. It's obviously up to you, but I am really loving it.

The Seattle AIDS walk was a great experience. Thanks for letting me share it with you. Here are a few pictures of the event.

My dear friend, Jess, and me at the walk

My girl and me

Post walk view- beautiful!



Stay tuned for next week! Jenny and I will teaming up to do a week long blog series. We cannot wait! October 3rd is when all of the fun starts. Be there.

Got any questions, thoughts, and/or blog ideas for me? I'd love to mull over some questions, and respond via post or comment. I'm always up for a good thought provoking question or idea.

jmcadriel@gmail.com

Thanks for letting me share my life with you- let's do it again next week!

~Jessica

"Everything's Amazing and Nobody's Happy"

This weekend, I started watching the show, 

"Louie"

Have you heard of it?

The comedian Louis C.K. does stand up bits, and then there is a scripted scene after the stand up routine that mimics what he was just making jokes about.

It's hilarious. There are plenty of parts I shouldn't be laughing at, but when you're folding laundry and your kids aren't around, and you have complete control of the tv, you should relish in those moments. They don't happen too often. So, I laughed hard at jokes that I shouldn't have, and at the awkward moments that Louis C.K. plays so well, and I enjoyed the few moments to myself- even if it was just while folding 547245743543745 loads of laundry.

I do have a purpose in telling you this. This post is a fusion of several different random bits of info that mesh into one. I heard an interview with Louis C.K. from 2009, a few months ago, when he was on Conan, and it has stuck with me. He's absolutely hilarious- but he's also absolutely correct. Just watch.

I remembered that interview last week, when all of the new Facebook changes were being made and knew right then, I had to write about my thoughts.

So, last week, Facebook made some changes, and updated the website. And guess what? Everyone complained and griped about how they hated it, or were going to email Mark Zuckerburg, and demand the old Facebook return.

We are so silly sometimes

Facebook is awesome, I'm obsessed. I love the connectedness I feel towards friends I don't get to see often and the ability it gives me to keep up with my loved ones. But, no one is forcing me use it, so if the "powers at be" at Facebook want to change a few things, they can go right ahead. I don't have a right to complain.

This picture says it all



The amount of  entitlement that runs so freely
through all of us, is really ugly at times.

How is that "everything's amazing, and nobody's happy?" We have brilliant technology, access to anything we could want, the ability to travel anywhere, and yet somehow we end up complaining about the smallest inconveniences that those advances sometimes bring.
 It's so absurd! How did we get to a point where feel like we are owed something, or deserve these luxuries that are available to us?

This whole Facebook drama got me thinking. I asked myself, "What are the things that I am guilty of complaining about that are absolutely ridiculous, and can I please get that out of my system?"

So here are some examples that I, myself, have complained about at one point or another, and that I have heard others also complain about. Somehow reading the list out loud, makes me feel even more ridiculous for ever complaining.

1
When my internet is going just a little too slow for my taste, I get so impatient. Like I'm trying to save the world or something and it depends on my internet connection. Truth: I'm uploading my latest pictures to facebook and am mad it's not going as quickly as I had hoped.

2
When I drop a call on my phone I'm annoyed I have to push the "redial" button, and pick up where I left off, without even taking into consideration that it is amazing we even have little computers we can carry around to stay connected at anytime? I can spare a few seconds of "redial" time when I realize it's a luxury in the first place. And hello! I only have to push one button, one button people. Not even the full ten digits that are already stored in my phone anyway. Silly, so silly.

3
We can pause our televisions now!
And we get mad when it doesn't rewind or fast forward in the exact way and time we were hoping. This one isn't as big of a deal to me, but I know people who get so angry when their DVR box isn't working just right. I just want to say, "Hey! Remember 10 years ago, when you had to actually watch a show when in aired? Yeah, we've got nothing to complain about.... Oh, and remember there used to be no tv at all, and people actually had to engage with one another?"

Do you realize how ridiculous all of that sounds?!
(I'm saying this to myself too, by the way)


We whine and complain about these tiny inconveniences, when we're not even appreciating the fact that they exist in the first place. Nobody "owes" us anything. We are not entitled to have internet, phones, and televisions. We don't "deserve" those things. They are gifts. The product of an amazingly advanced culture with technologically savvy people, inventing creative ways for us to stay connected, and have fun. A complete gift.

Entitlement blinds us, and removes
the power of gratefulness.
Gratefulness is the anecdote to entitlement.
I don't want to be lumped into the generation that Louis C.K. was talking about. I don't want all of these fantastic new toys, and services to be wasted on people that don't care, or rather, only care about what they want. I want to be grateful instead of demanding. Aware of the beauty in this world, not mad that I don't get exactly what I want, when I want it.
I fully believe that gratitude changes anybody's perspective.

There is nothing wrong with enjoying the items and services we are offered these days, but they're not something we've earned or deserve. You deserve something if you work hard for it, not if it's a luxury you are choosing to pay for, or is handed to you for free. 



And guess what?! Facebook is going to change again, and you're still going to be using it. :)

Lovely Monday wishes to you all!
~Jessica