Only in the last year have I begun to see how much my fears have gripped me, and how much of my head space had been devoted to the things I fear. It's been an array of things from fear of disappointing people, fear of not having enough money to live, to genuinely fearing the end of the world. Plus a whole lot in between.
There's certainly a healthy amount of fear and worry that are appropriate in one's life, because at times those emotions can be good indicators of what we need to be freed from, but all too often we sit and dwell in the fear and worry camp, rather than get to the root of those anxieties. The root in my life at least, has always been a need for control.
Last year I was asked, "What would you think about if you weren't worrying or in fear all the time?" At that point, I couldn't even answer the question because I was so deep in my fears and worries. I truthfully had no idea what I would fill my mind with if it wasn't with the things I was afraid of and worried about. That question stirred in me for awhile. I tried to picture what it could possibly be like to have no fear or worry constantly consuming me. During that time, my answer still remained that I didn't know.
I think subconsciously I knew that I was not going to get out of this nasty habit and cycle on my own. I think I even knew that my habit of fearing and worrying wasn't going to be something I was weened from; it was something that I needed ripped from me, and taken away. I needed to quit this worry and fear drug, cold turkey.
That day came April 22, 2011. I remember it vividly. I could write for days about what I experienced that Friday morning. I won't though, for your sake. What I will say is that as I was laying in bed that morning, the words, "Just live," kept ringing in my ear. "Just live." A lot collided for me in that moment, and I was overwhelmed with two things. First, the realization that my fears and worries were robbing me of living in the present and seeing the beauty in my days, and had been for some time. And second, I realized that I had never experienced what true freedom from something felt like. Since that day, miraculously, and by grace that can only come from above, I have been free from the consumption of fear and worry. Do I still worry and fear things? Yes. I do have kids, a husband, bills to pays, and demands to my life, after all, but I don't feel plagued by it. I don't feel debilitated by it. The difference for me, internally, is night and day.
See, worry and fear had become my God. I worshiped it by giving it all the attention I had. It had become my norm, in a strange way. It was just a part of me. And that's the problem of fear and worry. It consumes us with the wrong things. It's inward facing, it's all about self, and it's a prison. It traps us into thinking that we are all that matters. That we are our own solution. When we are free from the bondage of worry and fear, because there is serious bondage in those things, a paradigm shift happens. The sun doesn't rotate around the earth anymore. The earth rotates around the sun, and that sets everything else in perfect order.
So, the question remained, "What would I think about, if I didn't worry and fear all the time?" My new answer is this.... beauty. Beauty in the meaning and experience of true freedom, beauty in my kids, beauty in my marriage, beauty in the life I live, and have been graciously given. Beauty in figuring out who I am, and being me. I have been able to take better care of myself, make some amazing new friends, stop and smell the roses a bit more, and start to learn a new perspective- Living life with open palms instead of closed fists. I'm not walking around in la-la land, implying that I have this art mastered, or saying that I still don't have worries and fears creep up...hello, this world is filled with things to scare us, but what I am saying is that my mind has been freed, and I'm more quickly able to get my feet back on the ground than before. I am able to "just live," a lot more easily.
Certainly good timing for me. I find myself extremly consumed with worry about this pregnancy that I am not enjoying it. I know that is wrong, but I want to be freed too! Very well put!
ReplyDeleteI don't know how you can't worry in a pregnancy! Especially after everything you've gone through. Pregnancy is a huge burden and responsibility, so to me, it seems like the easiest thing to worry about. You're in good company there. I hope you are able to experience little joys along the way, as you prepare for your precious little one. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written Jessica! I am a worrier as well...*huge sigh*. Just had a conversation with my husband that at every moment of everyday I feel like the bottom is going to just fall from under me. It's not a very happy place to be. I think naturally being a mother comes with a huge amount of worry. Now I'm at a point in my life (and age) where I worry about my health. I've tried so hard to focus on happiness and joyful times though. I really have. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteNicole~ You are speaking my language. Whether it's my kids, my health, or things that were totally out of my control, I too, felt like the bottom was going to go out at anytime. I think you're right that being a mother, and I would being a woman, we are just more prone to worry. I hope you are able to find peace and calm in the face of worry and fear. Trust me, I know how hard that can be. One day at a time!
DeleteWhat a wonderful journey you are on! Not as a superior to you but as an equal, I want to say I'm proud of you. I think most of us women, if we are honest with ourselves and each other, will admit to being consumed with worry at one point or another in our lives. I identify with some of the same fears you named, and I am grateful that this past year I too have been on a journey of freedom. I have to thank Jesus for being my freedom from that joy-stealing trap of fear and anxiety. Every day brings more progress on this journey and to see that in my life brings such a good feeling!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. You are a beautiful, brave woman :)
Emily~ Thank you for such kind and encouraging words. I was almost teary reading what you wrote. I'm so glad for you that your journey with Christ is bringing you freedom from worry and fear. I too, have to attribute my freedom from debilitate fear, to Jesus. I feel like I have been rescued. I hope that you are able to continue to feel more and more peace, joy, and ease as each day passes. You are an amazing example of perseverance, positivity, and hope :).
DeleteLiving in the moment is the only cure for a wondering mind. Also, Zumba. ;-)
ReplyDeleteAmen to that! Especially the Zumba part :).
DeleteAhh thank you for this great post! I can relate like, OMG, as if I wrote this post myself. I worry all the time. I can hardly get out of myself and enjoy things because I'm always worried. Seriously - I take my baby on walks, and I'm constantly worried we'll get hit by a car or attacked by a dog. How long did it take you to make this transition? I will be keeping your words in mind - hopefully I can transition just like you did!
ReplyDeleteHeather~ Thanks for your comment! I know what you mean about being worried for your baby's safety and well being. I think all moms are in that same boat.
DeleteTo answer you question about how I transitioned... First let me say that though I feel like I've been freed from worry and fear, it doesn't mean that I don't still get worried about things. I definitely worry about my children and their safety, worry about the bills sometimes, and worry about myself, but the difference now for me, is that it's not all consuming anymore. Naturally, we will have worry, I think it's just that we need to keep it in check as much as we can. All of that to say, I'm not sure I ever realized on April 22, 2011 that I had been free from debilitating worry and fear. I think it was about 9 months later. I just had a moment this winter, and thought to myself, "hey, I'm not worried about xyz anymore, or am significantly less worried. Cool!"
Here are some things looking back, though, that I now know aided in my transformation. Blogging, friends, a very supportive and understanding family, reading, and my faith. Everything seemed to be deeply intertwined and looking back, I realized that all of things came together to help me realize more fullness in my life.
I don't know if that helps! I'm an open book though, so if you ever have questions, I'm always here. I'm nowhere near perfect, but I'll shoot straight with you :)