A Master's Commission Experience: Scripture Memory

For whatever reason, I'm feeling honest this week. Not just generally honest, because I try to be as transparent as possible in all my posts, but specifically honest about certain things I experienced through the program, Master's Commission, that I was in for two years.

I was in the program from October 2003-May 2005.  I am now seven years removed from being a part of MC and it has taken me about that long- and still going, to detox from my experience there. There are certain things that have been more quickly sifted though, and others that continue to take years to unravel.

I learned a lot from MC, but not in the ways you would think. What I anticipated being an experience that would draw me closer to God, and give me a good foundation for adult faith, turned into the exact opposite. I learned what I don't believe about God, what I don't buy in the church world, and what I will not be a part of. You couldn't pay me enough money to go back there, but I also don't regret going. In hindsight, I see that going to MC was the beginning of my redefinition of faith. Walking through the extremes of that place, gave me part of a perspective that I am grateful for today, even if the means of getting that perspective weren't how I anticipated. Sometimes that's how it goes, though.

Starting to tell my stories about the program are part of my ongoing process of self-discovery, not an attempt to hurt anyone who has attended or works for/at MC. I've realized that summing up my experience in one post is impossible, for there are so many different pockets, facets, and corners that make up the whole of my time there. The best I can do is speak to aspects of that program that are directly related to what I'm feeling and thinking about in the present. Maybe over time, as I share more, a bigger picture about MC will be developed for you to see. For now though, I'll share my experiences singularly, specific to a current thought or idea.

So, here I go.

One perspective I hold to now, that is different than what I experienced in MC, is how scripture works. We would spend hours upon hours studying for our scripture tests. The goal at the end of the year being that each first year student would have 400 scriptures memorized to always have God's word "hidden in your heart," and easily accessible in any circumstance. Lucky for me, I have a great memory, and truthfully didn't struggle with this part of the program at all. I always got 100% and finished rather quickly. After each test, I'd pat myself on the back, and then go get a milkshake. At the end of the year when we had to write down all 400 scriptures for our final test, it was a cinch for me, no problem at all. I finished under the time allotted, and moved on with my day. I was obviously changed by those scriptures (said with heavy sarcasm).

Ask me today, though, how many I remember from that time, and I could hardly tell you five of them. I have a theory about why. It was the same as memorizing a bunch of information in High School to pass a test. You remember it at crunch time, then leave it behind because it doesn't matter to you. The only reason I was memorizing scripture was to pass a test. To get to the next thing. To say, "I did it," and check it off my list of accomplishments for that year. I imagine I'm not the only one who felt that way. What I've found, is that information is useless if there isn't significance attached to it. That includes scripture. Was it horrible that a requirement of being first year student in MC was to memorize scripture? No. But the problem is, I'd venture to say, little to none of us hold all of those words dear to us today, because it was set up as a test- as a hoop to jump through to "graduate," not connected to things that were important to us. We were being tested like we were in school; we just wanted to finish. It became part of the motions. We remained unchanged.

Now here is the flip side... ask me if I have scriptures that mean something to me, and I'd give an emphatic, yes. But are they attached to my time at MC? No. They are attached to my real life experiences and moments that have shaped me. The words that I hold dear to my heart, in the present, are ones that remind me of the goodness of God when I've needed to be reminded of that. They aren't attached to pleasing staff members or getting a pat on the back. My favorite verses are ones that have helped me when I've been at my lowest, my most anxious, and my weakest. My favorite verses are ones that express words that make my soul move.  They are the scriptures that have come to mind when I am taking a walk and start to ponder the intricate beauty of nature, and know that the creator of those leaves, flowers, and seasons, cares for me even more. They are the scriptures that tell me when I am in the middle of a very dark moment, that peace is available to me. They are the scriptures that tell me my hope is everlasting, even when I feel like I am losing ground. I didn't learn those things from sitting in a room studying, starting at note cards. I learned those things by walking through life.

I guess the reason I am telling you about this part of my time there is because it's a safe place to start, but also because it's been a week where I've needed reminders of God's goodness, care, and peace, and my first thoughts were never, "What did I learn in MC?" The scriptures I've recited this week, have been ones that have carried me through specific moments in the past, and because of that,  I know they will continue to carry me through the crazy moments in the present and future.

I don't want to go so far as to say that memorizing all of those scriptures during that year was a waste of time, because I do think the intention was/is good, but I want to be truthful and say that I think it may have missed its purpose. I think it could have potentially left a bad taste in students' mouth when they were struggling to memorize all the words and felt like they were failing. I think it just felt like busywork. Though it's great to have important words with you, I realize now that memorizing for the sake of memorizing means nothing, and the amount of scriptures you know, doesn't equal anything except a good memory, if you don't walk away changed. These days you can always open up an app and read those words on your iphone. The words are the same no matter where they come from, whether your head or your phone. The point of scripture isn't the means in which you read or know those words, it's the power and perspective they give you... and that comes for experience.

In that spirit, here is on of my favorite verses that I could give you countless stories about. This week, I have been once again reminded of the beauty and power of this verse.

What are words that you hold dear to your heart? Whether scriptures or phrases, what keeps you together, reminds you of goodness, and gives you perspective when you need it? I bet you didn't learn that at a desk.

Perception and Projecting

Let's talk about perception and projecting. The way that people sense and feel who you are and what you're about, and what we give off.

The way you are perceived by people means nothing if it's not who you really are. Perception can be deceiving. See, you don't have to worry about how you are perceived if you are being your true self. If you are living your life in a particular way, you will naturally ooze the characteristics of that lifestyle. It's just how it goes.

On the flip side, how others perceive us can mean everything, since we ooze who we really are. Sometimes we project how we feel or think, without knowing that's what we're doing. Conflict can arise when what someone is projecting, unknowingly, is hurtful to those around them. To be unaware of what your projecting, is just as much of a characteristic, as putting in a huge amount of effort into how you want people to perceive you.

I've known people on both ends of the spectrum. On the left, there is the person who works so hard to make sure they are seen in a certain way. On the right, there is someone who has no idea how they make others feel by what they unknowingly project. We all possess a little of both, just to be clear. I am certainly no exception to either of those side of the perception coin. The goal to me though, it seems, is to try and come to a healthy middle ground of self-examination, so you can let things said about you, that don't align with who you are, roll of your back, and also be aware of how you can make those around you feel.

Caring so deeply about how you are perceived, to me highlights an insecurity in your life around that certain issue. Conversely, not knowing how the things you say and do, affect those around you, is an indicator to me of an area of arrogance/pride/blindness in your life. Both need to be attended to, even though they stem from different places. I, too, have been in those places.

So what is this all getting at? Here's the punch line.

The more you know who you are, and are healthily self-evaluating, and living out the conclusions of that evaluation, the less things people say about you, matter. I've said this before, and I'll say it again- it isn't about not caring what people think of you... it's about caring what the RIGHT people think. Perception will be just that, perception. The more true to yourself you are, the less peripheral opinions hold weight, and the less you have to worry about how you are perceived.

It's simply exhausting to care about what every single person you encounter thinks of you, but it's also important to care what trusted people are trying to communicate to you. It's a balance.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if we are working harder to paint ourselves in a certain light, and never actually embody the painting, then what's the point? That's empty. And on the flip side, if we have no clue what we are painting, we can potentially hurt people.

Conclusion: Be you, and own it. Tweak where you need to, as indicated by your own convictions and the wisdom of those who know you, then let everything else slide. You can't win em' all. But that's not really the point anyway. The point is to live authentically, and if you're doing that, well, you're as good as gold.

What Sort of Person Are You?

Hello! Let's talk a little "blog business" before I dive right in to today's post. I titled this blog, "It's All in Your Head," because I didn't want to limit myself in what I talk about, or do. I wanted there to be room for creativity, thoughts about my faith and life, space to process the joys and hardships of motherhood, and anything else that comes along. I have many different interests, and lots of thoughts. In an attempt to organize things around here a little better, I've created  tabs/picture labels for the different parts of this blog... Photo Friday, Things That Kick Ass, and now one called "Perspective."  The tabs/labels are listed on the top left-hand side of the blog for easy access. So, if you're stopping to by see a photo, watch a video, and/or want to know what I think about something, hopefully it will now be easier to find what you're looking for. 

This post today, will fall under "Perspective," and I'll be working on going back to label other posts that fall into that category from the past year. Here's what the new "Perspective" tab looks like.

So without further ado, here's my "Perspective" today...

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Last summer I read The Chronicles of Narnia book series for the first time. Immediately, I asked myself why I waited so long. To me, anyone who can make the profound, simple, is brilliant. That's just what C.S.Lewis did with those books. Tears filled my eyes in many parts, and at the end of each book I was left with a sense of awe in what I had just read. I guess you could say that this book series was not just a group of good stories to me, it was an experience. I will never forget reading them for the first time. I plan to read them again.

There were many phrases and quotes in each of the seven books, that stuck out to me. Highlight marks filled a lot of the pages. There are certain quotes, though, that I don't even have to look back at my books to remember. Some thoughts and ideas were so profound that they have literally jumped off the pages of the book and are forever ingrained in my mind and heart.

So, here I am a year later, still thinking on, and unraveling one of my favorite quotes from the series, and I wanted to share it with you. This is from The Magician's Nephew. Background: A group of the characters are in the same place watching the same scene unfold, yet experiencing it very differently. This quote refers to how one of the characters is seeing what is going, but isn't really seeing.

“What you see and what you hear depends a great deal on where you are standing. It also depends on what sort of person you are.”

Internally, this last year, I have felt a shift in the way that I see many things. There was a time when I didn't pay much attention to others in the world in my thoughts, when I believed voting republican was the only correct way to be involved in politics, when I didn't consider some one's story when I reacted to their behavior, when I judged those who were homeless, and when I assumed that America was God's gift to the world..the list could go on, really. I'm almost embarrassed to say those things.

...Then Osama Bin Laden was killed, and something about that rocked my core. It's possible that ideas and changes were brewing inside me already, but I distinctly remember a shift when I heard the news of his death. After the terrorist attacks of September 11th happened, many extremists celebrated the deaths of our citizens, and thought that they were vindicated. As an American experiencing the devastation of that day, the celebration of the death of our loved ones, was painful... it probably even bordered on feeling evil to us. Then just shy of 10 years later, Bin Laden is found and killed, and what do many some Americans do? They celebrate his death in the same way they hated others celebrating our deaths. Shouting in the streets, dancing stupidly, and posting ridiculous things about how awesome it was Bin Laden was dead. I was angry, and frustrated, and said to those close to me, "this is why people hate Americans." Truthfully, in those moments of watching people dance in the streets, dehumanizing Bin Laden, all while waving a flag, and praising God, I was disgusted. I was appalled. Did we not remember our pain at the death of our citizens? Did we forget that being mocked in the midst of extreme hurt, felt like an entire tub of salt had been poured in our wounds? Why, then, would we turn around and do the same to someone else? ...My mind stirred.

Insert The Chronicles of Narnia just a few months later, and all my questions and frustrations I felt about the reaction to Bin Laden's death, politics, the way those in some Christian communities treat homosexuals, and the complexities of war, were in my face again, upon reading that quote. Then, I realized the truth in that quote... No matter where you are standing when you see something happen, the sort of person you are is what determines how you truly look at a situation. In that moment, I said to myself, "Jessica, you need to be the sort of person that sees." I want to be the kind of person who considers a different perspective. I want to ask what I'm missing when I'm stuck looking at an issue from only one side? What if I moved a little to left or the right, would I see the same scene unfolding differently? The answer is yes. But, what if I did more than that, what if I changed my lens entirely, from the inside out. That would really determine how I saw something, because truly seeing things I've always seen in a different light, is a reflection of who I am and becoming. Man, that quote is so powerful.

Through conversations, and other books that have challenged my thinking, I am continually in the midst of this kind of transformation. My lens is being changed. I want to see humanity differently. I'm grateful to live in America, but I did not choose that for myself. Just like someone in the middle east did not choose to be born there. Even Osama Bin Laden. He was just as human as I am, and so are his followers. We're not better than each other, and that's new perspective for me... We all have stories, backgrounds, and experiences that mold us. That goes for people closer in proximity to me, as well. They also have stories, backgrounds, and experiences that mold them, and I am no better. Be it politics (which are so divisive and out of control right now), religion, or opinions regarding things we are passionate about, living in an "us" versus "them" world is ugly.  I'm trying to change my view and see certain things a new way. From me that currently includes struggling with war ever being the answer, to politics mattering, and with American pride and allegiance. I'm trying to change my angle and see things a new way.

What are things that you want to try and see differently?

The real question is though, "What sort of person are you?" That is the root. Are you willing to see something in a new and unique way. You'll never be able to shift, if you aren't willing to go deep and see where you're at to begin with. That's about who you are. Are you stuck seeing things the way they look on the surface, or are you willing to be the sort of person who sees beyond? I want so desperately to be someone who sees, who is deeply aware of the connections we all share with each other rather than the differences. I want to consider others' situations before making a snap judgment, and I want to be constantly looking for truth.

What do you see and hear from where you're standing? More importantly, though, what sort of person are you?

Thank you, C.S. Lewis.

Why Government Will Never Have/Be the Solution

For quite some time I've been sick of politics. The constant fighting, bickering, finger pointing, and the "us" vs. "them" structure there is between the parties, has me dizzy and annoyed. The "us" vs. "them" attitude also extends into fights between nations, religious group, and races, and I can't help but think that somewhere we are missing the mark. That politics, as we know them, aren't the solution. My mind has been swirling with a bunch of questions, and those questions have led me to a different, still evolving, perspective.

I've been super challenged with the idea of pacifism- actively seeking peace without violence, loving your neighbor and your enemies unconditionally, radical generosity, and service to others. The more I learn about Christ and see what his life modeled, the more I see that those are things that followers of His must confront. 

My confrontation with those ideas, coupled with some great podcasts and books, have led me to consider the real reason why politics frustrate me... It's that the political systems in the world seek power through force, and threat of punishment. Laws are in place to give us boundaries and to hopefully modify potentially harmful behavior, by having clear consequences for those certain behaviors. Many people don't break the law or don't harm others for fear of consequence. Though I believe we need laws, and ways to keep us accountable for our actions, governmental systems don't get to the root of the problem. Governments don't deal with people's hearts. They can set parameters in place to keep people in line, but they can't change anyone's desire to do those things in the first place. Governments rule over people, with threat of penalty and punishment...and we can see where that has gotten us. Conflict, arguments, and war. Lots of war.

What is the solution to war, conflict, and personal and political discord? It's a shift in perspective. It's turning the systems we live under, upside down. It's viewing others as equals. It's considering that we have the same tendencies to be extremists as the Muslims and that we feel just as passionately about our agenda as they do. No cause is more righteous than other- not even America's cause, because we are all fallen, and in need of grace. It's saying that instead of retaliating, we will seek for peaceful ways to manage and solve conflict. It's considering and putting others' needs before our own. It's giving generously, instead of holding tightly to what we consider is "ours." It's loving your enemies to the point of self-sacrifice. It's passionately serving. It's humbling ourselves before each other. It's dealing with matters of the heart, and changing from the inside out. It's "power under," not "power over," as Greg Boyd puts in his book "Myth of a Christan Nation."

So you can imagine that yesterday, when the Supreme Court didn't overturn what's affectionately called "Obamacare," I was annoyed at all the accusatory words, and nasty finger pointing from both sides. The truth is, we can't expect that one system or program is perfect and/or will solve our problems. The question is, where do we put our hope? If our hope is in political systems we will always be let down, and there will always be fighting and bloodshed.  Refocusing our purpose and attention is what solves problems. And that's about grace, love, understanding, and service... not lording power over others.

I never want to assume that all of my readers consider themselves Christians, but because it's a part of my life, I write about it. But, whether you subscribe to a certain faith or not, I think we can all agree that kindness, gentleness, and understanding is important, and changes people. However, if you do consider yourself someone who follows Christ, then I invite you to join me in wrestling with the complexities of what putting so much weight on politics and government can bring, and consider where to align ourselves. Worldly or heavenly.

This is new to me, so in no way am I fully "there." I'm just trying to be honest with my thoughts, in hopes that we can journey through this together.

Have a wonderful weekend!
~Jessica

Many of the thoughts in this post are in response to, and in paraphrase of Greg Boyd's "Myth of a Christian Nation." I wanted to give credit where it's due.