The Longing for Heaven

I specifically titled this post, "The Longing for Heaven" because deep in my soul I want to be longing, hoping, and striving towards heaven, but fear of death, and the unknown often outweighs my joy and excitement for heaven. I feel like God is doing a tremendous work in my heart. There is a lot of internal revamping and restructuring going on. I could make a list of the things in which my perspective and view is changing, but today, I want to focus on fear- specifically the fear of heaven.

In the past few months since I started writing, I've mentioned a few times about how I worry a lot, and that I have anxiety/panic that I battle, but I don't think I've gone into much detail of what that means for me. When I say I worry and fear, I mean that I have catastrophic thinking. Not in everything, thank goodness, but in the places in my life that where I am prone to fear, I fear like it's going out of style, and always go to the worst possible conclusions. The thought path I end up on, can taint my reality if I let it go too far, to the point where I can feel all consumed, out of control, and completely panicked.

One of the things that has always been a fear of mine is heaven. I know it sounds crazy, because of everything that I've posted about it, but the idea of eternity can be really daunting, especially the means of getting there, or it being brought here- whichever you believe will happen. The unknown and questions of the afterlife, for me, brings deep fear. It's part my need for control, part my wiring, part my personality, and part our finite minds, but the combination can be really debilitating if I don't get myself in check. This last month, I started working through that, and knew that I wanted and needed a heart change because fear significantly robs me of joy, is often is embedded with lies, and keeps me dwelling on the wrong things. I really want my heart to long for heaven; to have a mindset that is constantly thinking of ways to bring heaven here now. My soul knows that heaven is perfection, but my head messes with me. It often has more power than my heart.

This weekend was little bit of a breakthrough for me. I read the incredible story of a 4 year old boy who went to heaven, while in emergency appendectomy surgery, and lived to tell the story. The book is called, "Heaven is For Real." The things that he described, the beauty he experienced, the peace he felt, the fun he had, and longing he expressed to return there, had me in awe. He was so matter of fact about everything, not a single fear or doubt was in his bones, and he was full of clarity, as if it was so silly to even thinking anything else. He spoke of things like what Jesus looked liked, he saw loved ones, he saw the scars on Jesus' hands, he played with the kids, and saw God, but the one thing that wasn't there, was fear. Never once did he speak of being afraid in his trip to heaven. 

How can I read this book, and not have hope of heaven? How can I listen to this little boy's true story and not be in anticipation of what is to come? 

Read this book, and you realize that there really is nothing to fear when you are in the presence of Jesus, and that perfect love really does cast out all fear. There is none more perfect a love then the love of Christ, and that is clearly big enough to hold my anxieties and ease my fears. 

See, I feel like this book was a gift. A perfectly timed piece of peace-haha-that I was given. A promise of good for the age to come, a hope of comfort, a sense of familiarity, a place of no fear. Those are things I can easily latch onto, for those are things that even my finite mind can wrap itself around, because those are the things are soul craves. 

I will probably post a lot more about this book as I process through more, but today, I am filled peace. My soul is in a little more anticipation. I'm not afraid, today. And most of all, I long for heaven a tiny bit more than I did yesterday. 

Now that's a start.

Remodel Update

First, I want to give a big shout out to Jeff Iverson, who did my new banner. His wife is Jenny Iverson, who has a fantastic blog, called "The Imagination of Jenny Lynne"- you should check it out. When I saw her new banner, I inquired. Jeff did her banner, and graciously offered to help me out with mine, when I expressed to Jenny, how I loved her banner but wasn't that savvy :). He did an excellent job. Thank you Jeff!

A remodel update is in order, but before I get there, I thought I'd give you a little background...

When I was younger, imagining my future life, and even when Bobby and I were newly married, I dreamed of a big house with plenty of room, then lots of babies to fill that space. Somewhere between having two kids, doing two huge moves, having a brain that serious never shuts off, and trying to manage anxiety/panic/and minor depression, I have been forced to rearrange my ideas of a "perfect" life- which doesn't exist anyway- and try to be fully present where I am at, which is really challenging, by the way. I began to appreciate the simple. The joys in my life have not come from the things we have, or the space we dwell in, altogether. The true joy I have found comes from the people I love, and the roots I have gained in my relationship with Christ. Though it's so fun to tell you about our remodel and show off what we're doing, I don't ever want to come across as someone who has it all together, or has this totally balanced life, and that's why I wanted to write this. To be honest with my issues, and very publicly acknowledge that what I do have, has not come from anything I've done. I'm living one day at a time, asking for refreshment and new mercy every morning because I need it. Big time. This remodel is a gift, beyond what I couldn't have asked for.

I tell you all of that to say that this remodel we are embarking on, is sort of an outer visualization of an inner transformation. What I mean is that my ideas of what I thought my life would be like right now, are different than what they really are. Not bad, just different. And what I want now, is different than what I thought I wanted, then. For my life right now, I don't want a big space to take care, the thought of it makes me anxious and overwhelmed just thinking about it. Though I'm not ruling out the idea of more kids, I also find myself at my max pretty easily with the two I have. And one manifestation of my anxiety is that I am very affected by my environment, and crave less of everything- toys, stuff, clutter, etc... All of that leads me to one word. "Simple." This remodel is the simplifying of our life as a family, and my life as an individual. We are moving into smaller square footage, and I couldn't be happier. We are purging what isn't necessary, and I couldn't be happier, and we are making a real home for ourselves, and I couldn't be happier. All of the outer things that are being done are also the things being done is my heart. Focusing on what matters, getting rid of what doesn't, learning about what makes me tick, figuring out how to take care of myself, and trying to love Christ and make him my center, my home. Somehow the idea of a new home, so well corresponds with my new perspective on life. Peace on the inside, creating peace on the outside. A new home on the outside, a new home on the inside. It's really cool timing.

See, for all the craziness our family has had in the last 3 years, this new home is really a visual for finally feeling settled, and a little more grounded. Not completely together, but secure- if that makes sense. It's our little nest that reflects the happiness, joy, and fullness that is offered to us and that we feel. All of my expectations I thought I had to live up to, are "whatever" now. My soul is beginning to feel at rest more and more, and even when I am filled with fear, anxiety, and worry, I am more aware now, than I've ever been, that I have access to every resource I could want/need through Christ, and that gets me through anything. Our new little home is simply a reflection of the fullness and wholeness I feel in my life right now, and a reminder that even in the midst of the bad days, I am loved, cared for, taken care of, and safe.

Now that I've spilled my guts, you can see why I've so enjoyed this process and am putting so much energy into our new space. It's quite near and dear to my heart.

Here is what I have so far. More pictures to come as everything starts coming together. Enjoy! And feel free to comment with any brilliant ideas you think I'd like :)

*Let's start from the beginning. Aren't these black doors to die for?! I had been trying to figure out what color to paint our front door, waiting for a vision, and then I saw this beauty-the one with the wreath, on my favorite blog, www.jonesdesigncompany.com, and just knew this was the "one." ;) I'll post some pictures of our door when we actually paint it, but until then, here is my inspiration for our entry door.

*For a gal who doesn't love cooking, I am very excited about our kitchen. Well, mostly about making it look pretty. I'm grateful for a husband who likes to cook, and is good at it. Lucky for him, I don't mind cleaning. A match made in heaven. Here is our kitchen accent color.

 

Quiver Tan- Sherwin Williams

Kitchen Accent Color Around Cabinets

A clay-brown neutral color- swatch not completely true to color

*Our kitchen cabinets are going to be white. I love the feel of a cottage, and nothing makes me think "cottage" more than beadboard. Beadboard cabinets it is! I absolutely LOVE the look of open cabinets, and we talked about doing then, and maybe someday I'll be sane enough to pull it off, but I think they would make me more obsessed about order than I already am, so for my well-being the doors are a must for now :).

*I think a good backsplash is so fun. I'm really diggin' "subway tile." Matte Black is what we settled on to go underneath the cabinets, with a lighter colored grout so you can see the definition in the tiles- not unlike the black tile picture shown. We'll probably do a more gray-ish white grout. Allow me to show you the inspiration...

 

*We're doing granite tiles in the kitchen and bathroom. Same tile in both. Here's the winner. Neutral and incorporates all the colors we're using. Cream, black, brown, gray.

*I hate carpet. No, wait. I loathe carpet. That may not even be strong enough word. We're only putting it in the kids rooms to keep them warm. Everything else is a beautiful laminate flooring. How grateful I am we'll be kissing carpet goodbye and welcoming in this....

 

Wide Slat, Long Plank, "Saddle" laminate flooring

                    

Here's another amazing inspiration from Jones Design Company. She entitled this "Painted Wallpaper," and I can't stop looking at it. I am going to attempt this pattern in our bathroom. We'll see if I can pull it off. Wish me luck.

 

Amazing, huh?! 

This whole room and color scheme makes me so happy.

*Stripes are so much fun, so we're painting them in Cullen's room. Here is my inspiration for what Cullen's little room will look like. His crib is black, so this color scheme is really close to what his room wil consist of. The name letters are a personal touch that I am SO excited about. Sassy lil' Thangz custom made them for us and I would highly recommend their work. Well done, and great price. 

 

 

                      

  
*Layla's room is stumping me a little bit. Here is bedding that I picked for her and the name letters that match. I'm waiting for color inspiration to strike! I'm really loving neutrals, so I've been looking for the perfect color to pull everything together. I will let you know when I figure it out.

*For mine and Bobby's entire marriage I have accented and decorated with the color red. Well, I'm over it now. I'm all about neutral colors that give warmth and make a room feel cozy. Simple. This is the color I chose for the entire living area, the rest of the kitchen, the dark stripe for Cullen's room, and the base color for the bathroom. At least that's the plan right now. Once it's actually painted, we'll see for sure. This color is in the same color sample sheet that "Quiver Tan" is in, so I think it will be a great match! Let me introduce to you "Wool Skein."

 

Wool Skein- Sherwin Williams

Everywhere color

 A lighter clay-brown color- swatch not completely true to color

   

 Things are moving along well! We think we're about 3 weeks out. Bobby has invested a lot of his time into this project, so ti's been a fun thing for us to have collective energy about. I'll keep you updated as more things happen.

Thanks for letting me share my excitement with all of you. It's fun to share life together. 

Pacifism, Torture, and Bill Maher. Oh my!

It's been 10 whole days since I've posted...Hello again! :). I actually started an entirely different post earlier this week, which I will eventually post, but when I saw this video I knew I had to write about immediately!

There are some choice words in the video, and yes, Bill Maher is wildly sarcastic, but the points he is making and the things he is questioning about Christians, is right on point. These are things that I have been, and am continuing to struggle with myself. I think it's healthy to look at what the world is perceiving Christians to be like, because there is some stuff that I just want to separate from, in the hope of becoming more like Christ. This entire video is explaining those things. So, get past some of his language, get past the fact that Atheism is "the worst thing ever" (said with heavy sarcasm), and accept that Bill Maher, too, has a story, reasons why he believes what he does- probably because he was burned by a few Christians in his day, and be open to what he saying. I think it's worth considering.

So, this video brings me to my point. Something with the death of Osama Bin Laden rocked my core. It's called into question, for me, what our attitude and response should be to death, torture, war, and the value of humanity, as Christ followers, even in the face of evil. Bill Maher's point about saying that if we believe in Jesus- the biggest advocate for non-violence and war, then we have to consider what some Christians are encouraging and advocating. 

Look, I'm smart enough to know that we live in a fallen world, where sin, pain, suffering, and unjust death are rampant. I realize fully, that because of those things we have war, and massive conflict, and the possibility of eradicating war all together will only happen when Jesus is fully ruling here. But, upon hearing of Bin Laden's death, something in my heart started to stir, and I think we have to consider what the life of Jesus modeled in the face of conflict. There was not an ounce of violence in him. Justice never came through taking someone's life- except his own, ironically enough (much different though), or physically torturing and/or hurting one another.

Peacemaking and conflict resolution begin with the inward, it's the call to examine our own hearts first, then extend grace outward. 

This is a new concept to me that I am wrestling with. How do we respond to the evil in the world without extreme force? Maybe we can't avoid war and the nasty conflicts that come up because of our fallen nature, but even though we may not be able to avoid it, we shouldn't celebrate the death of others and encourage torture and/or inhumane acts. Justice isn't stripping someone of their humanity. Shouldn't we be working hard to have a mindset more and more like Jesus. And if that is the goal, I think the complexities of war, torture, and massive conflict have to be wrestled with. The answer isn't simple, but I want to be aware and thoughtful.

I say all of this because I am in the middle of thinking about it myself. 

Let me again, be very clear that I have deep admiration and respect for those who serve in the military. I recognize that because we live in a world with war, there needs to be protection of the innocent and freedom. I am grateful, beyond what words could say, for the freedom I am given because of the sacrifice those men and women have made. They are class acts. 

Thanks Bill Maher, who I usually wouldn't resonate with, for saying what you did. I think Christians need a wake-up call in this area! I know I did and continue to.

I'm off to enjoy a very beautiful day with my two kiddos. Have a wonderful day, too, my friends!

For the Day

Discovering the meaning of Christ's death and resurrection is somewhat of journey. I feel like I've gone through the motions of it for most of my life, not letting the significance renew me daily.


Something this last Easter really clicked for me and I wish you could all jump into my head to see, feel, and experience what I have, but since you obviously can't, here I am to write about it.


I touched on this in an earlier post, about the idea of feeling like I am not enough, or I should be doing more. Ever since I have openly been wrestling with this idea of significance, I have been surrounded by confirmation and awareness that I am lying to myself.


Two things that been weaving in and out of my head and ears through thoughts, podcasts, and conversations....

Number one: The entire point of Christ dying for us and then being brought back to life, is so we can have freedom, and not bury ourselves in the muck that we always do. I had this epiphany on Good Friday, that this whole struggle of finding significance can be rectified through simply looking at what has been communicated through Christ's sacrifice. If his death and resurrection brings true freedom, I asked myself, "What does freedom mean? What does it allow you to do?" The answer: Live. The invitation into God's grace is stepping into the exact way that we were created to live. In fullness, abundance, and in complete freedom from ourselves. Out of the awareness and freedom, it then becomes natural, not obligatory, to be the best you can at whatever is in front of you. There is no more service out of guilt, no more feeling like you don't matter, and no more confusion about your worth. You simply get to live, and live, and live. 

Number two: The resurrection is an invitation to be transformed, renewed, and recreated. We can tap into that refreshment anytime, but we only have today. If we are only guaranteed the day that we are presently in then, all I need is to be "resurrected" today. I can and only need to be comforted for what is in front of me today -duh, we need to be responsible about the future, but I'm talking about worry, etc. God can't give me the peace, joy, and comfort I need for next Thursday because I am not there yet. He can only give it to me for now. This idea is radical to me. For a worrier like me, this was good news. I can have a fresh Jesus and self every morning. That is something I can wrap my head around.



So, how do these two ideas mesh? My struggle of feeling like being a stay at home mom of two isn't enough, or good enough, or glamorous enough, or whatever silly things my brain conjures up, can be cut through by the power and love of Christ's death and resurrection. His death tells me that I am so meaningful to God, that even when I was/am buried 7554370403 feet deep in my own sh%#, that he loved me enough die anyway. The resurrection then tells me that I can be renewed daily, when I have those times where I am feeling insignificant or not enough. That a new day is coming where I can be created new all over again. I am reminded that tomorrow is a day filled with brand new hope, peace, and mercy. I need that every day. Somehow God knows that things only work best for us one day at a time, and so he offers peace, grace, hope, joy, comfort, etc as needed, per day, for the day.


This has been quite the revelation to me. Not that I am fully there and aware of this every moment of every day, but I'm closer. I hope this was a little helpful for you. It's sure been eye opening for me.

Osama Bin Laden #2- When Push Comes to Shove

There has been such an outpouring of thoughts and opinions surrounding the death of Osama Bin Laden. I, myself, have participated because I feel passionately about the response that followers of Jesus should have. I am thinking out loud, and working my thoughts out through writing, and so begins another post on what's going on in my head about Bin Laden's death.

Christians preach about God's grace and his unconditional love and forgivness, for it is central to the beauty of what Christ did on the Cross. We celebrate the fact that we serve a living God who engages with us, pursues us, and offers us freedom from our darkness. We celebrate the fact that this gift is available to all. To me, Osama Bin Laden's death, is a "push comes to shove" moment in faith. This is the time where all of our proclamations of God's grace are at their most complex, but where it is the most significant. If Christ really did indeed, die for all, then he died for Bin Laden, and we must wrestle with intricacies of what that actually means. To gleefully rejoice over his death, is painful for me to watch, for I truly believe that God is mourning over the fact that it has even come to this. There is no justification for the inhumane attacks on September 11th, 2001, and we will forever remember those who were unjustly killed that day, but we become no different than those who cheered at our defeat that day, when we are parading through the streets exclaiming, "F@#$ yeah, America," or posting pictures of Bin Laden's bloody head being held by the Statue of Liberty. Is not grace and love what should set us apart? Is this not the time where grace and love are needed the most? The honest struggling with this conflict, makes us more compassionate, wiser, filled with a more well rounded perspective, and closer to Christ, in my mind.

The most humbling part of this whole frenzy to me, is that when dish out such judgment, we forget that we were once guilty of punishment. We forget that without the good grace of God, through Christ, that we would be just as worthy of death, as we feel Bin Laden is. When we announce that someone is outside God's gift of grace, or less worthy, we become arrogant and prideful. I think we need to honestly check our hearts because we are all in equal need of a Savior.

Truthfully, I don't know what God's solution is for the evil acts of Osama Bin Laden, but I do know that I don't want to be responsible that man's justice. He is too much for any one of us to judge. Our "punishment" cannot compare to the righteous, pure motivated judgment that God will handle. It might just be more powerful, and more healing than we can even imagine.

I can't say that I know "for sure" or believe that justice has been served, for there are many factors for all of this to be solved overnight, or with one action. I feel relief that the pain he has caused so many, will not continue with any new victims, but my heart is heavy over this whole thing, and I am going to continue to work through this because I think this it is massively significant to our faith.

Grace, Perspective, and Osama Bin Laden's Death

There are no simple answers. My mind has been reeling from the moment I heard about the death of Osama Bin Laden. The news of his death brought much complexity to my mind. Complexity that I have never felt before. Since 9-11, I think it's safe to say, we've all been anticipating any information that could be given about Osama's whereabouts, so he could be brought to justice, but as I've been on  rediscovering what my faith means, I find myself now asking, "what is justice in this situation, and was his death really the solution?" The bottom line is that this whole thing is messy. There is nothing black and white about this conflict. It is mixed up with strong history that goes back generations and generations, radical ideals that people are willing to die for, loss that is so profound that one man's death won't fix, and countless other factors that we won't even be able to account for. While I do hope that some sense peace was felt for those who needed it, I personally don't feel as resolved as I imagined I would. I thought I would feel this huge sense of relief when answers came, but instead, I was filled with more questions.

How do we, as those who say we follow Jesus, respond to this news? How do we gracefully extended ourselves and Christ through this new development? Do we rejoice his death, or mourn the fact that the depths of him have been blackened by his choices, and he is painfully mislead? Can we feel both? Relief AND compassion? I don't have a perfect answer, but I do believe that both sides of the coin can be felt, but must be done so with respect and grace. I have to believe that Jesus has deep sorrow for this entire conflict, deep deep love for Mr. Bin Laden, and would likely ask us to respond to this whole conflict with great thoughtfulness. Do I think Jesus is, through the roof excited, that Osama Bin Laden is dead? No. I think we need to be very careful with how we respond and how we use the name of God in what we're saying in response to his death. To me thoughtfulness doesn't mean throwing parties in honor of his death, popping champagne, liking pages on facebook that celebrate his death in demeaning ways, and saying that God is rejoicing over his demise. Striping him of his humanity does not equal justice.

I think Jesus' heart is breaking over this entire conflict. I'm struggling with what our part in Osama Bin Laden's justice, is. I almost think that death is the easy way out for him. Death for death makes me leery. My deep desire for justice, wishes he would have been tried in a court of law and had to sit in prison and be faced with the weight of his choices. This conflict is not simple, and is not solved by his death. The symbolism of a leader like him being taken out of control, is powerful, and a huge statement, but it also does not do away with this war all together, and scary enough, we are also capable of the atrocious things he did. That humbles me.

Conversely, I do feel a sense of relief in knowing that he can longer delegate such heinously evil operations. There is pride that I feel in the fact that Americans were the ones to take him out. We are indebted to those who work tirelessly to protect our country, and I want to extend my most heartfelt "thank you" to those who have served, are serving, and have died in the battlefield. Let me be be very clear that I am so very grateful for the men and women who sacrifice more than I ever could, to keep us safe and protected. My internal conflict has no bearing on the profound respect I have for those who carried out this endeavor. They are heroes. There was great bravery in the team that executed this operation, and I commend them with my deepest gratitude. They should be honored and well respected for the success of their mission, for they placed themselves in grave danger to do so. THAT is a selfless act that I can appreciate, even in the complexity of this entire conflict.

Let us walk graciously and compassionately through these events. Let us ask the challenging questions with respect and thoughtfulness, and let us not forget that justice is not ultimately ours to invoke. We will see traces of it now, but Christ has the final say, and that is the kind of justice I can trust, for it is righteous, perfect, and far more powerful than we could dish out ourselves.

Grace and peace be with you all.