I specifically titled this post, "The Longing for Heaven" because deep in my soul I want to be longing, hoping, and striving towards heaven, but fear of death, and the unknown often outweighs my joy and excitement for heaven. I feel like God is doing a tremendous work in my heart. There is a lot of internal revamping and restructuring going on. I could make a list of the things in which my perspective and view is changing, but today, I want to focus on fear- specifically the fear of heaven.
In the past few months since I started writing, I've mentioned a few times about how I worry a lot, and that I have anxiety/panic that I battle, but I don't think I've gone into much detail of what that means for me. When I say I worry and fear, I mean that I have catastrophic thinking. Not in everything, thank goodness, but in the places in my life that where I am prone to fear, I fear like it's going out of style, and always go to the worst possible conclusions. The thought path I end up on, can taint my reality if I let it go too far, to the point where I can feel all consumed, out of control, and completely panicked.
One of the things that has always been a fear of mine is heaven. I know it sounds crazy, because of everything that I've posted about it, but the idea of eternity can be really daunting, especially the means of getting there, or it being brought here- whichever you believe will happen. The unknown and questions of the afterlife, for me, brings deep fear. It's part my need for control, part my wiring, part my personality, and part our finite minds, but the combination can be really debilitating if I don't get myself in check. This last month, I started working through that, and knew that I wanted and needed a heart change because fear significantly robs me of joy, is often is embedded with lies, and keeps me dwelling on the wrong things. I really want my heart to long for heaven; to have a mindset that is constantly thinking of ways to bring heaven here now. My soul knows that heaven is perfection, but my head messes with me. It often has more power than my heart.
This weekend was little bit of a breakthrough for me. I read the incredible story of a 4 year old boy who went to heaven, while in emergency appendectomy surgery, and lived to tell the story. The book is called, "Heaven is For Real." The things that he described, the beauty he experienced, the peace he felt, the fun he had, and longing he expressed to return there, had me in awe. He was so matter of fact about everything, not a single fear or doubt was in his bones, and he was full of clarity, as if it was so silly to even thinking anything else. He spoke of things like what Jesus looked liked, he saw loved ones, he saw the scars on Jesus' hands, he played with the kids, and saw God, but the one thing that wasn't there, was fear. Never once did he speak of being afraid in his trip to heaven.
How can I read this book, and not have hope of heaven? How can I listen to this little boy's true story and not be in anticipation of what is to come?
Read this book, and you realize that there really is nothing to fear when you are in the presence of Jesus, and that perfect love really does cast out all fear. There is none more perfect a love then the love of Christ, and that is clearly big enough to hold my anxieties and ease my fears.
See, I feel like this book was a gift. A perfectly timed piece of peace-haha-that I was given. A promise of good for the age to come, a hope of comfort, a sense of familiarity, a place of no fear. Those are things I can easily latch onto, for those are things that even my finite mind can wrap itself around, because those are the things are soul craves.
I will probably post a lot more about this book as I process through more, but today, I am filled peace. My soul is in a little more anticipation. I'm not afraid, today. And most of all, I long for heaven a tiny bit more than I did yesterday.
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