How NOT to be a Parent

Have you seen this video?



If you haven't seen it, don't watch the entire 8 minutes. You can just skim through the video and get the gist.

This video has been floating around Facebook the last few weeks, and many have praised this father for the way he handled the situation with his daughter.

Well... I hate this video.

It's been on my mind these last two weeks, since this guy posted it, and every time I see it, my blood gets boiling. I'm going to give you all a piece of my mind about it.

I'll list my issues with the video, and below in bold will be my response/what I would do, as a parent.

1) This wasn't punishment. This was retaliation.
While the father was shooting the laptop he says, "and this one's for your mom."
To me that screams, "I just want to pay you back."
I could feel his anger oozing while watching his video.
Doing what your child did, to teach them a lesson, only makes you look like a child yourself. Children retaliate. Parents shouldn't.


Calm down. Breathe. Pause. Think. Respond.
Never respond out of anger.  Before you do anything, you have to consider the ramifications of what you are about to do. It's your responsibility to think ahead, as best as you can, for your child. When you respond out of emotion, you are no different than the child your are punishing. You will cause far more damage than good.

2) The father proved to be no different than his adolescent daughter by publicly humiliating her in return.

It's never "an eye for an eye" in parenting. Consequences should always be with the child in mind. What will help them learn, and let them feel the weight of their decisions? Not, "What can I do to pay them back?" Doing what they did to you, to teach them a lesson, is ridiculous and thoughtless.  Real consequences take some creative thinking and patience.


3) By destroying the very thing he ranted about putting so much money into, he also punished himself.
Hello dude, you just complained about how much money you spent getting this laptop all nice for her, then you go and destroy it. How does that do any good? Such a waste of money and time. Plus, what if his daughter had school work on it that she needed? It seems there wasn't much thought about it, or he simply didn't care.

Think outside the box with consequences. Take away the laptop, absolutely, but destroying it shows you're just as emotionally driven as your 15 year old who posted those things on facebook. Give the laptop to someone who needs it, make her work to earn a new one. Don't destroy it.

4) Shooting things is violent and extreme
Even though he wasn't physically violent to his daughter by shooting the laptop, he was emotionally violent. Pointing a gun at someone's possession, shooting it, and naming what each bullet symbolizes is emotionally violent and anger filled. It's not equal to the offense.


5) This father had no regard or forethought.
The emotional damage that this father caused his daughter by choosing to handle this the way he did, will take years to repair. He broke trust, showed what he is willing to do to prove he is in control, and didn't think about what his actions might do to their relationship. His daughter should not have written what she did on facebook, but she's 15, and most teenagers don't reason well or think of the future, adults do though. He should have known better than to put something out that there, that everyone in the world has access to.This video will haunt her.

As a parent, you are the adult. Emotionally and mentally. Your responsibility and job is to be able to hold your children's emotions, and recognize where they are at. If you explode when your children do, your whole house is at the maturity level of your children. Hold your children's emotions, let them feel without the threat of your retaliation.

6) Reprimanding your daughter's foul language, with foul language... Really? Serious fail.

Your words towards your children need to be chosen carefully- even when they are 15. Our words matter deeply. You're the adult, think before you speak.

The Bottom Line
To me, the fact that his daughter was even saying such horrible things about her parents in the first place, implies severe brokenness in their relationship. I imagine that on a daily basis, there is a lot of emotional pain that this 15 year old girl is experiencing, and that she is desperately looking for little bit of power, because she feels so powerless. She went about expressing it the wrong way, but how she feels is legit. The fact that her dad responded the way he did, confirms that brokenness to me. The way they are willing to speak to each other and treat each other, shines light to the everyday battles they likely face. I actually felt really sad for both of them while watching this video. But, mostly for the girl.

Working to express emotions and communicate expectations in ways that are respectfully, and not demanding, is a constant challenge as a parent. But, it's essential to your relationships with your children. When that groundwork isn't laid, or worked at being repaired when broken, this facebook and video interaction is what occurs.

What I would have done
- I would ask that a public apology be made on her facebook status. I would also have her make phone calls to those who had contacted me about what she wrote, and apologize to them personally.

-Her facebook would be deactivated, and the password would be changed to only something I knew, so she didn't have access to it anywhere.

-Her laptop would be confiscated. It would be in my possession, and would either be given to someone who needs it, or with me until it is earned back.

-I would listen to her. What is she trying to communicate by writing such things? How is she feeling about "xyz?"

-Evaluate what my part, if any, was in the whole thing. Did I say something that was hurtful? Did I treat her unfairly? Did I communicate clearly?

Believe it or not, parents aren't always right. Though she shouldn't have responded to how she was feeling by posting such harsh things on facebook, I need to consider what I may have done to make the situation worse. Maybe there's nothing, but it would be wise to look at yourself. You're never going to go wrong with being self-aware.

-Work with her to repair the situation. Give her opportunities to build your trust. Give her chances to earn privileges back, give her the respect she deserves as a human.

I feel better now that all of that is out of my mind, and into words.

I'm going to go shoot the kids' "family" ipod now, because Cullen keeps turning it up too loud.
~Jessica