Identity Games: Day 3
If you want to get caught up from the last few days, click here and here, for yesterday's posts
If you're just joining us click here and here, to catch mine and Jenny's heart about this series.
Let's start today with a story...
There is a girl who, on paper, looks like she's done very little with her life except get married, had kids, and landed her and her family back in her parents "basement." Not exactly the picture of success in this worlds terms. She struggles with pinning herself against others who are her same age, and seem to be "further" in life, more secure, and more together than her. She's gone through a lot in the last few years from some huge relocations, discovering that she has major anxiety, and dabbling in the land of depression. In looking around her she feels like she should be doing more, be better at "xyz," and all together not good enough sometimes. She wonders if there will ever come a time in life where she'll be able to step into her own and feel "normal" again. She's feels deeply, thinks deeply, and processes deeply. She is very aware of what's around her, hence the reason she can be easily sucked into the comparison game.
I have started and restarted writing this post probably 5 times. For some reason conveying how I feel and how I struggle with comparing, has proven to be very difficult. Putting my thoughts together for this one, was challenging- maybe because I know deep down I am mostly talking to myself.
I don't know how to say this any other way, except that comparing is one of the biggest "identity games" I play as a woman, and it's also the thing I do that I hate the most.
Want to know why? It's because comparison is the thief of joy. Seriously. The more I focus on pinning myself against someone else's norms, tearing myself down for not having this, or having that, the more the peace and contentment I feel in my life gets stripped away. Comparing is the number one thing to me that destroys relationships between women, especially if it's between a woman and herself.
Whether you are comparing lives, stuff, bodies, relationships, or talents, it doesn't matter. The bottom line is that you are minimizing the beauty in your life, and refusing to see how unique you really are. You have things that no one else does, and that's not in a "ha-ha" kind of way. I mean that in the most sincere way possible. You are designed to be no one other than you. I know it's not easy to push aside the ideals of what is normal, or that we're told normal is, but the truth is that normal is relative. Everyone's lives are specific to their experiences and stories. When we try to be like someone else, want what someone else has, or strive to look a certain way, we forget to factor in any sort of background to who or what you're comparing yourself. To me that changes everything.
If you want to get caught up from the last few days, click here and here, for yesterday's posts
If you're just joining us click here and here, to catch mine and Jenny's heart about this series.
Let's start today with a story...
There is a girl who, on paper, looks like she's done very little with her life except get married, had kids, and landed her and her family back in her parents "basement." Not exactly the picture of success in this worlds terms. She struggles with pinning herself against others who are her same age, and seem to be "further" in life, more secure, and more together than her. She's gone through a lot in the last few years from some huge relocations, discovering that she has major anxiety, and dabbling in the land of depression. In looking around her she feels like she should be doing more, be better at "xyz," and all together not good enough sometimes. She wonders if there will ever come a time in life where she'll be able to step into her own and feel "normal" again. She's feels deeply, thinks deeply, and processes deeply. She is very aware of what's around her, hence the reason she can be easily sucked into the comparison game.
I have started and restarted writing this post probably 5 times. For some reason conveying how I feel and how I struggle with comparing, has proven to be very difficult. Putting my thoughts together for this one, was challenging- maybe because I know deep down I am mostly talking to myself.
I don't know how to say this any other way, except that comparing is one of the biggest "identity games" I play as a woman, and it's also the thing I do that I hate the most.
Want to know why? It's because comparison is the thief of joy. Seriously. The more I focus on pinning myself against someone else's norms, tearing myself down for not having this, or having that, the more the peace and contentment I feel in my life gets stripped away. Comparing is the number one thing to me that destroys relationships between women, especially if it's between a woman and herself.
Whether you are comparing lives, stuff, bodies, relationships, or talents, it doesn't matter. The bottom line is that you are minimizing the beauty in your life, and refusing to see how unique you really are. You have things that no one else does, and that's not in a "ha-ha" kind of way. I mean that in the most sincere way possible. You are designed to be no one other than you. I know it's not easy to push aside the ideals of what is normal, or that we're told normal is, but the truth is that normal is relative. Everyone's lives are specific to their experiences and stories. When we try to be like someone else, want what someone else has, or strive to look a certain way, we forget to factor in any sort of background to who or what you're comparing yourself. To me that changes everything.
Example 1:
Do you really want to look like the girl who has the "perfect body" if she's spent most of her life living in self hatred thinking she'll never look the right way.
Or more simply put, maybe she's 5 inches shorter than you and should weigh less and look different than you because she has a completely different body type than you.
You wishing you looked like her, means you would be the most physically unhealthy version of yourself you could possibly be.
Healthy is relative. Be healthy for YOU, for your body type, not someone else's.
Example 2:
Maybe Mr. and Mrs. "So and So" have a gorgeous house, perfectly manicured lawn, she looks like dynamite- she's had 7 kids and doesn't have an ounce of fat on her, and he is a serious player in a big business, and you find yourself comparing your life to theirs.
Little do you know that their marriage is in shambles, she's super controlling, and he's verbally abusive. Their kids try anything to get away from the house and want nothing to with their parents. The only reason she tries to look good is because she gets no attention and compliments at home, and is seeking it elsewhere. Her husband is so torn down at home, that he buries himself at work so he doesn't have to face the music at home.
Do you really really want that?
Do you really want to look like the girl who has the "perfect body" if she's spent most of her life living in self hatred thinking she'll never look the right way.
Or more simply put, maybe she's 5 inches shorter than you and should weigh less and look different than you because she has a completely different body type than you.
You wishing you looked like her, means you would be the most physically unhealthy version of yourself you could possibly be.
Healthy is relative. Be healthy for YOU, for your body type, not someone else's.
Example 2:
Maybe Mr. and Mrs. "So and So" have a gorgeous house, perfectly manicured lawn, she looks like dynamite- she's had 7 kids and doesn't have an ounce of fat on her, and he is a serious player in a big business, and you find yourself comparing your life to theirs.
Little do you know that their marriage is in shambles, she's super controlling, and he's verbally abusive. Their kids try anything to get away from the house and want nothing to with their parents. The only reason she tries to look good is because she gets no attention and compliments at home, and is seeking it elsewhere. Her husband is so torn down at home, that he buries himself at work so he doesn't have to face the music at home.
Do you really really want that?
Remember the story at the beginning of the post?
That girl is me
All of those things are true about me, but let me tell you the about the other side. The side that I choose to focus on every second I can. The side that "paper" can't understand.
My husband and I have been together for 7 1/2 years. We've grown up together. He is my best friend. We got married young, then had kids young. All of this happened just a few short years after high school. Our children are healthy, happy, and seriously make our lives better. In the last few years, Bobby and I have had to make some really tough decisions about how, and where we were going to raise our family. That part hasn't been easy, but he and I are better because of the hard decisions we've had to make. Yes, we live in my parents' mother-in-law apartment, but you know why? It's because my parents are gracious, supportive, and love us dearly. Because Bobby is in school, money is tight, and I desperately want to stay home with my kids, my parents graciously remodeled their "basement" for us, so we could breath a little easier. Seriously incredible. So yeah, we live very close to my parents, but I have the most amazing support system within my reach. It's incredible.
In between the kids, I discovered that I had major anxiety. I won't even try to explain it right now, because sometimes there are no words, but my husband, though he doesn't fully understand what happens to me in those moments, has never left my side and does everything he can for me when I have an anxious day or even a bad panic attack. I also have a truly amazing mom, who will take a phone call from me anytime of day, just so I can talk through what's going on. Through going to counseling, one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life, I've been encouraged to write and take care of myself. Because of that awesome suggestion, I have found
nitches in myself that give me energy and help me be a better mom and person.
I've got people who love me, I'm the healthiest and most well rounded I've been in years, I have support at any moment I need it, and somehow when I focus on those things,
all the nasty comparing I do goes away.
Why would I possibly want anything else when I have the most
lovely things right in front of me.
I'd take my crazy, confusion, fun, and beautiful life over anyone else's, because it's mine.
Gratitude Changes Everything.
Believe me, even though I am the most settled, content, and at peace I've ever been. This "comparison game" comes up and bites me on the butt sometimes. I think there will always be waves of that, and that's ok, but stop it as soon as you can, and remember that
the grass is never greener on the other side, because we all have struggles and issues. You hop the fence, you get a whole new sets of problems.
So it seems to me, the goal is to water the grass that you're standing on.
Wherever you are. Whatever you do. Water the grass your feet are on.
Be excited about what your eyes can see now, and don't focus on what you think is
behind your neighbors fence.
Be sure to read Jenny's thoughts on comparing today. They are really good!
Thursday Latelies tomorrow! Woo hoo!
~Jessica
the grass is never greener on the other side, because we all have struggles and issues. You hop the fence, you get a whole new sets of problems.
So it seems to me, the goal is to water the grass that you're standing on.
Wherever you are. Whatever you do. Water the grass your feet are on.
Be excited about what your eyes can see now, and don't focus on what you think is
behind your neighbors fence.
Be sure to read Jenny's thoughts on comparing today. They are really good!
Thursday Latelies tomorrow! Woo hoo!
~Jessica
Oh Jessica. I love this post. I actually read it last night on my iTouch before bed and wanted to comment, but it is really annoying to type more than a sentence on that thing! I so appreciate your honesty here. I think there are very few American women who never do the comparison thing. I mean, my husband and I finished college before we got married and put off having kids, but then I look around and wonder if we should have done things differently. Should we have had kids younger? Why did we go ahead and get a house before our student loans were paid off? Shouldn't we be debt-free by now? But I really, really just need to be grateful for where we are and for my family and let all the comparison nonsense go. Thank you so much for this beautifully honest reminder.
ReplyDeleteTrischa~ I'm so sorry I didn't respond earlier! For some reason I must have missed getting back to you.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, thank YOU for you amazing encouragement and kind words. They keep me going, really... I think women from anywhere compare against one another, but I think you're on to something about American women and the kind of comparing that goes on over here. We're so consumer based, and looks driven, that I think the comparing is rampant here.
The kind of questions that you are asking, are exactly the things that I ask myself all too often. Isn't it just exhausting to have those thoughts constantly running through your head?!
The thing I'm realizing is that all of us ladies are more alike, than different, and comparing only separates us, when really we need each other.
Thanks for your honesty- I really appreciate you and your perspective, and am so thankful for your honest responses.