The Myths of Forgiveness

I had the privilege of writing a guest post for Jenny, and I thought I would share it here as well. As you can tell by the title, I chose to write about forgiveness. I recognize it can be a heavy topic, but it's one in which, I believe there are so many wrong assumptions about, that I really wanted to give my perspective and share what I have learned about it through my life.

It is a long post (did you expect any different? haha), but like I said , it's a heavy topic, so there is much to say. Hopefully you stick with it. Writing this post challenged and helped me, so maybe it will do that same for you.

Here we go...

I want to talk about the myths that surround forgiveness- the cliches that don't cut it when speaking of how forgiveness works. Let's face it, forgiveness isn't easy, and there are a lot of unrealistic and unhealthy expectations of what forgiveness is and what it should look like.

I think it's safe to say that we have all experienced the sting of pain at the hand of someone else. No matter what your particular situation may be, we've likely all been faced with the choice of a life of bitterness/anger towards those who wronged you, or the choice of forgiveness.

Some may say that forgiveness is easier than bitterness. That "getting over it" is more simple, but I disagree. Forgiveness is actually the harder of the two. Feeling bitterness and anger is what comes naturally, forgiveness does not. It is learned, it is a decision, it is a process, and it must be a conscious act. No one organically feels forgiveness because it's something you choose-forgiveness is not an emotion. We don't choose how we feel, we choose what we do. Therefore, forgiveness is much harder because it's an act, a verb.

Please don't hear me say that anger and bitterness are bad. I do think they have a proper place, and that they are a very important part of the process of healing. But, what I'm talking about is setting up camp in the land of bitterness and staying there. Emotions are crucial to the process, for they tell us where we are starting, and shed light on what is going on inside us. They are there as our warning lights to propel us into the next step. But emotions alone, are not the answer, and shouldn't be where we dwell.

In my own journey of forgiveness, I've had to debunk some common myths and cliches about forgiveness, because they didn't speak honestly to what I was really feeling, walking through, or what I was experiencing forgiveness to look like. As I debunked the myths, I found the process of forgiveness became far more authentic, and the end result more meaningful.

You hear things like "Forgive and Forget," "or "Can't you just get over it?" as if forgiveness is a switch you can turn on when you feel like it. I hate those phrases so much because they minimize the pain you feel in the moment, and then cheapen the freedom that can come from going through the work of forgiveness and coming out the other side truly transformed.

So, let's explore 4 myths about forgiveness

Myth #1: Forgiving Means Forgetting

What a stupid phrase. Forgiveness does NOT equal amnesia! Our brains are not wired to forget. You cannot simply erase an experience. Those who think that's possible, and try to live that way are in denial. In extreme cases, the attempts at ignoring and coping with pain by trying to "forget" can end in developing serious personality and identity disorders- seriously. Forgetting is not an option, nor is it even the point of forgiveness. How is there beauty in forgiveness if you are wiping out the very thing that you are forgiving? If do not recall what experience you have even forgiven (as if that is possible), then where is the power of the outcome? If you "forget" you are prone to make the same mistakes, walk into the same doors only to get punched again, and live the same life without healthy boundaries. Forgiveness does not, and cannot mean forgetting. Remembering and recalling an offense does not mean it hasn't been forgiven, it is actually the very thing that helps things change for the better, in the future. We must remember.

Myth #2: Forgiveness Is a One Time Decision
I believe forgiveness is a state of mind and state of the heart. It is a constant and consistent choice to live a life away from bitterness. You can make the initial decision to forgive, but what happens when something triggers you again (because it will since we do not truly forget)? You are faced with the choice of walking in bitterness or to forgive the offender, once more. I truly think you can end up forgiving one offense 572342340 times. Living a life of forgiveness could mean forgiving someone for the same thing over and over. That, in my opinion is what it means to forgive 70 x 7 times. It may not be forgiving someone of that many offenses- you'd be so foolish, but it could simply mean forgiving them for one particular hurt anytime you start to feel bitterness and anger creep up. Forgiveness is a way of life, not just a one time act.

Myth #3: Forgiveness Means You Should Trust
Forgiveness does NOT equal trust. Trust, like forgiveness, is not an emotion, it's a choice. It's also a process. But trust is, and should be earned...never entitled. You have every right, to say, "I am no longer holding the offense against you, but I'm not stepping into your world again, and you are not stepping into mine." You not only have a right to do that, it's smart. There's a word for it- it's called wisdom. Only a foolish person let's someone continue to hurt them over and over. Depending on the offense and/or the offender, trust may slowly be rebuilt. But, just know that you are allowed to take the time you need to let that process of rebuilding trust happen. There is no time frame, and it can't be forced. Conversely, there are offenses that merit trust being broken forever. It's just how it goes sometimes, and it's the better thing to do. Don't feel guilty about setting good boundaries for yourself.

Myth #4: Forgiveness Means Relationship
There are some relationships that are harmful and just need to be walked away from. Then there are some that are worth repairing over time. I think the relationship you may or may not seek after you've been hurt by someone, depends on the offense, and the value you'd like to place on the relationship with your offender. That's up to you to measure. Relationships are built, and that takes time, so jumping back in right away can, and should feel unnatural. It's ok to not have relationships with those you've forgiven. Sometimes that is the natural consequence of brokenness, and the best thing for you. Other times the desire for a relationship to be rebuilt is a good thing, but it's in no way a requirement of forgiveness. As long as you aren't camping in bitterness, or withholding relationship as way to hurt someone intentionally, I don't think a relationship has to be the result of forgiveness. Sometimes moving on from that person is better.

What's true about forgiveness then?

I love Pinterest, and find myself drawn towards cool sayings and phrases. Words capture my attention very easily, so when I saw the picture below, I knew that I had found the inspiration for this post.

I added the arrows to emphasize the part that caught
my attention."Forgive and Recover"

Those two words stopped me in my tracks because it was the first time I had ever seen a phrase about forgiveness that felt authentic to the human condition regarding forgiveness, and how we actually need to view it.

I'll explain.

To say "Forgive and Recover" is the reality. There are times an offense knocks you so hard, that recovery is the only way to describe how grievous an act can be/feel. To recover from something means you must admit there is something to recover from. Therefore, if you are recovering after you've forgiven, you aren't forgetting, you are letting the truth sit and are being honest by saying that something has happened which requires recovery. "Forgive and Recover" is speaking honestly about the pain that forgiving can cause. It's not easy to forgive, and demands much of you. Recovery may be needed after you've made steps towards living in forgiveness. Walking away, or "bouncing back" isn't recovery.  It's denial. Recovery implies process, depth, and wholeness on the other end, which is what true forgiveness is all about. That phrase is the most accurate and authentic way to describe the act of forgiveness by acknowledging it as the process I've known it to be.

For me, when I've been deeply hurt, I become depleted, wiped out, and honestly, quite disoriented. My whole world seems to get foggy. Using the word "recover" as a way to explain where I'm at, speaks to my experience of pain better than telling me to just "move on."
You wouldn't tell someone who just broke their leg to get up and start walking. That would be ludicrous! The leg wouldn't ever heal properly, and there would be so much unnecessary pain. Why do we treat forgiveness like this- being asked to move on, forget, or bounce back immediately.
It minimizes the suffering and state you are actually in, and stifles your growth and recovery. To admit that recovery is need, is to truthfully speak of what has actually occurred,
and begin the journey of true forgiveness.

The most healthy process of forgiveness that I have experienced, is the choice to forgive, followed by evaluating what it looks like to take care of yourself, and protect your mind and heart in the future. Forgiveness then Recovery. Any recovery program has steps, and has a foundation you must lay to start building on. That's why this phrase is so accurate. Forgiveness does not happen over night, and it is not easy. Forgiveness is ground zero, it's only the beginning. Much needs to be restored and put back together in order to fully experience forgiveness. Forgiveness to me, is recovering what has been lost. Choosing forgiveness is the first step in the process of restoring wholeness. It's the first step of recovering from pain.

In walking through my most painful moments, and knowing that I have a choice to move towards forgiveness or towards bitterness, I have found that even the smallest steps in the right directions pays huge dividends. One cliche that is true is about is forgiveness, is that it frees you, not the other person. Forgiveness releases the bonds that you have been using to attach yourself to someone.When you act and live in forgiveness, and begin the recovery, you find your strength, your voice, and that freedom is of the highest worth. Once you have even the smallest taste of that freedom, why would you ever want to go back to the place of bitterness to camp there?

So, start the journey and process of forgiveness, but do it honestly. I urge you not to believe the myths I stated above. When you buy into those lies, you miss the value of the process, and sacrifice the integrity of the end result. Forgiveness can seem nearly impossible, like a huge a mountain you're looking at and being asked to climb. Though there will be days that it hurts like hell, I truly believe that exact journey through forgiveness (climbing that mountain), and admitting the need for recovery, yields the best outcome....True freedom. And that's what we all want anyway.

Therefore, take the first steps, whatever they may look like to you, and start living a life of forgiveness. I promise it actually benefits you more than it benefits anyone else.

With love to you all,

~Jessica

Jenny, thank you for giving me the opportunity to write for your blog. It's truly been an honor. You are inspiring, strong, lovely, and so many more adjectives, and I am blessed to call you "friend." Here's to continuing our blogging adventures!